


Preggers

by Effervescence Silverplanet (Heather), Vera (Vera_DragonMuse)



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Comedy, F/F, F/M, Future Fic, Jossed, Kid Fic, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mpreg, Multi, Original Characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-11-25
Updated: 2001-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-08 02:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heather/pseuds/Effervescence%20Silverplanet, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vera_DragonMuse/pseuds/Vera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lindsey curses Angel and Spike with a blessing of their own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Never Piss Off A Lawyer With Connections

**Author's Note:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess, but

Lindsey McDonald was not a happy man.

He was, in fact, a bitter, angry, lonely man.

A bitter, angry, lonely man who hated Angel.

A bitter, angry, lonely man who now had a mission.

"How long will this take?" He asked the old gypsy woman as she waved her   
hands over a variety of herbs, mumbling in her own tongue.

"Not long." Her granddaughter answered for her. "It won't be long. Soon, he   
shall suffer in the way he should have suffered in the first place."

"You're certain?" Lindsey pressed, fixing his eyes on the girl, who merely   
rolled hers.

"Of course." She said. "Both he and the young one shall suffer a thousand   
fold. Relax, Mr. McDonald; you did not pay Grandmamma for nothing."

Lindsey nodded, folding his hands in front of him. This was going to be   
good. It would hurt Angel far more than the truck had, and would be far more   
perfect.

He congratulated himself on a job well done.

+++++

Angel came home, expecting to be angry. It was pretty much the trend since   
Spike had moved into the hotel, disrupting Angel's carefully scheduled life   
and furniture. Yesterday, it had been blood on his couch, the day before   
that bubble paper had lined the floor and the day before that--Well, you get   
the general idea.

So, Angel came home all ready to be angry at his errant childe and enjoy the   
ensuing make-up sex. Instead, he came back to an eerily quiet apartment.

He stood in the door way for a long time before his ultra sensitive ears   
picked up a quiet retching sound from the bathroom, where he proceeded at   
all due haste.

In the door way he stopped, greeted by the fine curvatures of his childe's   
ass as the rest of him hung over the toilet seat.

"Spike?"

"Go 'way." The blonde muttered into the porcelain.

"Are you throwing up?"

"No, I'm sniffing the bowl for fun." It took Angel a minute to catch up   
with the sarcasm. "Oh. You're sick."

"Yeah, Peaches. Sick in the head."

They stood--well, Angel stood and Spike kneeled over the toilet losing  
his blood--there for a moment.

"Spike, I'm taking you to the Host."

"What's he gonna do? Talk me to health?" Angel gave a long suffering sigh   
as he hefted his childe-cum-lover into his arms. " Maybe he can tell us   
what's wrong."

+++++

They entered the karaoke bar a few minutes ahead of the night rush. The Host   
sat precariously on a stool, humming to himself in a lazy fashion. He   
watched under hooded eyes as Angel and Spike argued their way into the   
building.

"I'm not sick." Said the British One.

"Then why were you throwing up?" Questioned the Glutton for Punishment.

"Dunno." Replied the Child at Heart and Mind.

"What can I do for you fellows tonight?" The Host broke in smoothly. "Can I   
get you a drink?"

Angel looked at Spike, Spike looked at Angel. Angel sighed.

"Spike's sick and we need to know what's wrong with him. Can you help?"

"Can he sing?" The Host asked.

Angel winced. "Not really."

"Oi! I sing!" Spike smacked Angel on the arm. Angel sighed. The Host was   
beginning to see a theme.

"Doing Sid is not singing, it's a crime."

Of course, to prove Angel wrong, Spike launched into a caterwauling effort,   
nearly collapsing the Host and half the bar. It took two Sea Breezes for the   
demon to recover, then another ten minutes to get him to stop laughing and   
tell them what he saw.

"Sorry," He wheezed, waving one hand flamboyantly, "Spike...(giggle)   
Spike...(giggle, snort)...you're having--(giggle snort)--you're pregnant."

"I think we broke him, Peaches." Spike scratched his head, looking at the   
gasping demon.

"WE?" Angel started. " It was your singing.."

"Guys, guys." The Host stopped them. "I'm serious. Lindsey McDonald   
contacted a gypsy and asked her to make both of your lives hell. I'm not   
really sure how, but she altered Spike long enough that Angel managed to   
impregnate him."

The two vampires just stared at him as if he had grown another set of horns   
and an extra eye. After a while, Spike fainted from the exertion of staring,   
but Angel had enough power for two. The Host finally had to pay attention   
to his other clients and at the end of the night threw a bucket of cold   
water on both of them, which seemed to do the trick.

"Take this." He handed them a small square business card. "Friend of mine,   
who knows a lot about male pregnancy. He should be able to help you guys   
out."

Angel mindlessly took the card and placed in his wallet, the two vampires   
left, much worse for the wear, even though Spike had managed to steal two   
bottles of Jack Daniel's while the Host had thought him passed out on the   
floor.

"Cor." Spike said finally, breaking the silence. "We're havin' a baby."

 

~fin~


	2. The Doctor's Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey curses Angel and Spike with a blessing of their own. A/S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess, but

Angel was up, dressed, showered and shaved. His hair was gelled to   
perfection, his clothes were his typical black-on-black look, and all in  
all, he looked dead sexy (pardon the pun).

Spike, however, had not gotten out of bed, his hair was a peroxide   
nightmare, the likes of which would've had Joan Crawford turning in her   
grave. He did not want to get up; he did not want to get ready. And he did   
not want to go to their scheduled destination. And with good reason, in his   
opinion.

Today was the day of their first appointment with the obstetrician.

Angel sat on the edge of the bed. "Come on, Spike. It's time to go."

"Don't wanna." The British one mumbled from under the covers.

"Spike, we can't miss this appointment." Angel explained patiently.

"Easy for you to say. You're not the one gettin' poked, prodded, stuck with   
needles, asked weird-ass questions and gettin' your pelvis examined." Spike   
groaned at the mere thought and crawled further under the covers. "No,   
thanks, mate; I think I'll stay here and die."

"Spike." Angel said again, this time not so patiently. In fact, not at all   
patiently. Actually, Angel had spoken completely bloody impatiently, if you   
asked Spike. "We. Are. Going. To. The Doctor. Now."

"Sod off, Angelus."

That was his undoing. Angel quickly rolled the blankets up tightly around   
his gestating lover, slung him over his shoulder and marched into the   
bathroom.

"Hey! What're you--this can't be good for the baby! Hey!" Spike protested   
wildly as he struggled, but unfortunately, the comforter hindered his   
movements.

Angel threw open the shower door and played with the knobs until a warm,   
comfortable shower was raining down in to the porcelian tub before he   
dropped Spike, blankets and all, into the water.

"Ack! Help! Stop! YOU'RE GONNA DROWN ME, YOU SOD!"

Angel adjusted his shirt on his shoulders, smoothing out wrinkles. "You are   
going to get cleaned up, I'm going to help you shave and fix your hair, and   
then we're going to see this--" He checked the business card in his pocket.   
"--Dr. Strife guy, and see how our baby is doing in there."

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

"Of course you are."

Ten minutes later, a dressed, showered and shaved Spike, his blond hair   
neatly combed and gelled, was sulking in the front seat of Angel's car as   
they drove to the address on the business card.

Angel sighed. This could be a long night.

+++++

The waiting room was so sterile it hurt. The lights hummed and the secretary   
typed. Spike fidgeted and Angel tried to read a magazine, but was distracted   
by aforementioned fidgeting.

"Spike, sit still!"

The blonde waited until his sire was reading the magazine before giving  
him the finger.

"The Bloody, William?" The secretary asked. Spike glared at her. The waiting   
room was empty. "The doctor will see you now."

They entered through the only other door besides the entrance. Inside was a   
pleasant enough office, except for the various tools of trade that hung   
about. Spike shuttered and moved closer to Angel unconsciously. They were   
forced to wait for nearly twenty minutes. They had to be the longest   
twenty minutes of Angel's unlife.

"I'm leaving."

"No you aren't!"

"Yes, I bloody well am!"

"Don't make me sit on you!"

Which is how it came that the good doctor walked in on a very calm Angel,   
reclining on his childe's legs while the blonde beat at him with fists.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Strife." He seemed unflustered and more then a little   
amused by the scene presented.

Spike looked up and stopped beating on Angel. The good doctor was dressed   
entirely in braided black leather that covered every inch of his skin except   
fingers and face. The costume seemed to be held together by various silver   
safety pins and hope. On top of this getup was a white medical coat and   
around his neck was a very ordinary stethoscope. Spike was duly impressed.

Angel was not.

"Good to meet you, Doctor." Angel opened cautiously. A wild grin broke  
out on the doctor's very pale face.

"Great, I'm sure. Now, which one of you is the carrying?"

Spike raised a timid finger.

"Species?"

"Vampire, mate. You?"

The doctor produced a pad seemingly out of thin air and jotted this down.   
"God of the Olympian variety. Now, how did a bad vampire like you get   
pregnant?"

Spike scowled and pointed at Angel. "He did it."

Angel heaved a long-suffering sigh and explained about the curse while   
Doctor Strife took notes.

"Hmmm. That's fine. Now, if you'll get off the patient a moment, I can do an   
initial examination."

The older vampire rose, vaguely flustered and watched from the door as the   
Doctor prodded and poked Spike, who complained only minimally because he was   
trying to figure out just how Dr. Strife got in and out of his clothes.   
Which may have been the point of the costume in the first place. After   
another moment with his pad, Dr. Strife turned to the pair of vampires with   
another frightening smile.

"Everything here checks out great. Just two things. One, do you smoke?"

"I don't have tah answer that." Spike said firmly. Angel cleared his  
throat. "Two packs a day."

"Well, that stops now. As well as any drinking you may do. It will seriously   
harm the baby."

Spike looked alarmed and Angel squeezed his hand. "Oi! I'm not givin' up my   
smokes!"

The doctor sighed. "You child will be asthmatic and weak, if you continue to   
smoke during pregnancy."

"How come you're such an expert in this any way?" Spike asked, eyes   
narrowing dangerously.

"Oh, I've had a few of my own." Strife said fondly, he pointed to a picture   
of three small dark haired, winged children.

"Spikey!" The door burst open and before anyone could say, 'Lunatic and   
Psycho!' Drusilla and Darla were coddling Spike and making cooing sounds   
over his belly. Angel blanched.

"Oh, we came as soon as we beat the secret out of Lindsey!" Darla cooed.   
"Spike is going to be a great mom--dad--Parent. Oh, whatever."

"My baby's having a baby!" Dru exclaimed, running her hands over places her   
hand shouldn't be. A growl from Angel put a stop to that and he was about   
to add that the two girls should leave when Dr. Strife cleared his throat.

"Ladies and Gentleman, I need to speak to the patient alone."

It took little more then that for the three vampires to tumble out, leaving   
Spike to the Doctor. And if Angel thought waiting in the office with Spike   
had been the longest minutes of his life, waiting with Dru and Darla was   
infinitely worse. At least he got to have sex with Spike. It took all of   
his power not to kill them.

"Can we be god parents?" Dru asked. "The stars say that I could be god!"

"God is dead." Darla told her.

"His blood must have tasted good." Dru sang. Darla sighed. Angel was   
beginning to notice a pattern.

Finally, Spike came out of the office, shaking and pale. No power on earth   
would ever drag out the secret of what occurred in there. He was eerily   
silent all the way home. When they reached the apartment building, he   
grabbed onto Angel like a lifeline.

"Promise me that you won't leave me when I get fat."

"Why would I do that?" Angel asked, puzzled.

"There were pictures.." Spike shuttered, " Just promise me."

"I would never ever leave you." Angel told him and it was true. Spike nodded   
and that seemed to be the end of it. Angel kissed him once and Spike sighed   
happily in his arms. They kissed again, then Angel cleared his throat.

"Um...by the way...Druanddarlaarethekid'sgodparents."

"What?" Spike raised an eyebrow and laughed. "I thought for a minute that   
you said.."

"I promised Darla and Dru they could be the kid's god parents."

Spike groaned and banged his head against Angel's chest, which was more   
convenient than the wall, if not as hard.

~fin~


	3. Raging Hormones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spive vs hormones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess, but

*click* *whirrrrr* *flap* *plop*

Spike bent and picked the polaroid shot off of the floor. Not having a   
reflection, he was forced to take pictures of himself to see what he looked   
like, and, as he looked at this, the fifth picture in a row, he was not   
pleased with the result.

He was definitely fatter.

Spike prodded his belly expirementally. Yes, there was definitely excess   
flab, and, as Dr. Strife had assured him, he wasn't far along enough yet to   
really start showing, so the weight was quite obviously his own.

The idea distressed him intensely.

He set the timer, propped the camera up on the dresser and held his arms up,   
giving the camera a full view of his bare belly and waited for the flash.

*click* *whirrrrr* *flap* *plop*

He picked it up, then looked at the picture in disgust. He gingerly pinched   
his sides where the beginnings of love handles had started to form. Love   
handles??? On *his* manly body? It was not to be tolerated!

Spike looked down at the picture again, and felt tears burning his eyes.

What?

Tears???

Fuckin' hell.

But they had started, and now they couldn't seem to stop. He was becoming   
ugly and fat. He couldn't keep down a meal any more. How could Angel stand   
to touch him like this?

Angel.

Spike felt a stab of fury.

This was *Angel's* fault. Angel had done this to him. Angel had gotten him   
pregnant, it was *his* fault that Spike was getting fat!

Spike became full of manic, hostile energy as he paced wildly around the   
bedroom in his boxers, overwhlemed with fury. He was getting fat and ugly   
and barfy and hormonal, and it was ALL ANGEL'S FAULT!

Spike growled. Wait. No. His (flabby) stomach growled. Spike felt his anger   
quickly replaced by something else.

Hunger.

He was ravenous.

Spike fled to the refridgerator in the lobby and rummaged through it  
frantically, searching...searching...

For ice cream.

That's what he wanted.

Sweet, lucsious, chocolatey cookie-dough-fudge-mint chip ice cream. With a   
side of chocolate sauce. And peanuts. Oh, yes, that'd hit the spot.

Tears threatened again.

They were all out.

"NOOOO!" Spike sank to the floor and started to sob. He didn't feel good, he   
was ugly, he was fat, he was tired and he was hungry. And they were all out   
of ice cream.

"Life sucks!" He sobbed into his hands.

Yes, indeed, life sucked. And it was all Angel's fault. And Lindsey's. And   
the insufferable PTB's.

"Spike?" A voice called out as the front door opened and closed.

Spike looked up and felt a growl rise in his throat. Angel. The man who'd   
started it all. Lindsey hadn't even had a grudge against Spike, oh no; the   
whole curse was all about punishing Angel. And it was Angel who'd gotten him   
pregnant. And it was Angel who'd taken him to the Host, that insufferable   
green creature that had dropped this bomb shell on him and insulted his   
singing. And it was Angel who hadn't bought enough   
cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip during their last run to the grocery store.

That did it.

"RRAARGH!" Spike roared, leaping up from his place on the floor and running   
at an accelarated vampire speed born of adrenaline and being severely pissed   
off.

"Spike--" Angel started to greet him, but was cut off when he suddenly found   
himself pounced by a screaming, yellow-eyed blond whirlwind suffering   
through a bout of pure, pregnancy-honed rage.

"You bastard! You idiot! You bloody useless sod! This is all your fault!   
Look what you've done to me!" Spike shouted, raining blows down on his   
lover, who was too surprised to block. Cofound it all, this man was the   
reason for everything wrong in his life and more. And now he was conspiring   
to keep Spike away from his ice cream!

Angel tried fruitlessly to control Spike's flying fists, but the poor,   
gestating younger vampire was having none of it. Angel had gotten several   
pamphlets that Spike had brought home from Dr. Strife's office during that   
first appointment, and he knew this was only a hormonal-driven mood swing,   
but he hadn't expected it to be so violent. Finally, he managed to grasp   
hold of Spike's fists and look up into his lover's angry face. "Spike."

Spike growled. "Go away. I hate you."

"I can't go away; you're sitting on me." Angel told him calmly.

Spike got off of him, then glared at him furiously. "This is all your   
fault."

Angel sighed. "So you've told me."

"And you're not even the least bit sorry, are you?" Spike's lower lip   
trembled before he once again burst into tears. "No, you're not! Would it   
kill you to ask how I'm feeling? To ask about my day? Would it hurt you all   
that much to say, 'Spike, I'm sorry I ruined your life and your figure, I'll   
get you some ice cream right away'? No, it wouldn't, would it? And yet you   
don't. And you know why? Because you don't bloody care!"

Angel barely stifled a laugh. "Is that what this is about? Ice cream?"

Spike's face darkened and Angel knew he had made a mistake.

"What kind do you want? I'll go get you some." Angel said quickly, before   
Spike could start screaming again.

Spike folded his arms across his chest stubbornly. "Well, now you're just   
humoring me."

Angel sighed. "Spike..."

"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

"Spike..."

"Forget it."

"Spike!"

"Okay, okay. Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip."

Angel nodded. "Okay." He adjusted his coat on his shoulders and quickly made   
a break for the door. He had a bad feeling that things were about to get   
worse.

+++++

When he returned, heavily laden with not only the requested ice cream   
flavor, but also several others, he held the bag in front of him like a   
shield. The apartment was dark, but a sliver of light showed from under the   
bathroom door. Carefully, Angel laid away all the ice cream into the freezer   
to guard it from melt down. He noticed the new photos of Dru and Darla that   
had somehow made their way to the refrigerator held up by various singing   
fruit magnets. He shuddered slightly before turning away from the haunting   
smiles of the vampiresses'.

Stealthy as a house cat, Angel made his way into the bathroom, easing open   
the door.

His lover, bathed in the fluorescent light of the bathroom, was washing his   
face, to rid himself of tear tracks. Unable to resist, Angel slid his arms   
around the gradually widening waist and buried his face into Spike's neck.   
The blonde sighed softly and leaned back into the larger man's arms.

"I got you the ice cream." He muttered into an ear, Spike shuttered   
slightly.

"Thanks. About before--"

"Forget it." Angel purred. He traced lazy kisses all over the smooth skin.

Spike turned in Angel's arms, blue eyes flashing and tilted his head upward   
to receive more attention. Images of past couplings ran through Angel's   
overheated brain and his own recently neglected hormones reminded him what   
they were missing: The soft mutters that Spike tried to suppress until he   
couldn't any longer and then just screamed; The feel of the tight channel   
around him and the intimacy of the last blood kiss that would drive them to   
ecstasy beyond mortal comprehension.

Growling softly, Angel swept Spike up in his arms and kissed him savagely   
before carrying him into the bedroom. Laying his lover down like a piece of   
glass, he turned quickly to divest himself of clothes.

When he turned, hungry eyes fell like lasers onto his lover.

Who let out a terrific snore.

Angel then rattled out a string of curse words in Gaelic, Chinese and few   
choice demon languages. When he ran out of those, he ran through all the   
ones that Gunn had started teaching him the last few months. When he ran out   
of those, he heaved a long suffering sigh and crawled into bed next to his   
sleeping lover and prayed to the PTB for quick gestation, infinite patience   
and a strong right hand.

~fin~


	4. Come One, Come All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Darla and Dru take over Spike's pregnancy and decide to throw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess, but

Angel looked at the odd scene playing out in his kitchen and wondered how it   
come about.

It was morning--strange enough in itself that all assembled were awake and   
here, considering that most tended not be either during daylight hours--and   
clustered around the table were Wesley, Cordelia, Gunn and Spike.

Gunn held in his hand a bottle of tomato juice that he eyed warily, despite   
Angel's frequent assurances that it was not, indeed, blood. Wesley was   
drinking coffee and reading a book about demon possession written entirely   
in French, and Cordelia and Spike were both combing through the morning   
paper, Cordelia browsing the funnies, Spike studying the obituaries, and   
both laughing uproariously.

It was oddly....normal. Contented, even.

Angel held his hand out and started ticking off seconds on his fingers.  
counting down until trouble appeared in one form or another to shatter this   
perfectly peaceful morning.

He managed to get all the way to thirty before Darla and Drusilla walked in   
the door.

"Spikey!" Dru cried happily, rushing over to her pregnant former lover with   
a brilliant grin on her face.

Wesley, Gunn and Cordelia immediately sprang to action, Gunn grabbing a  
nearby crossbow, Wesley yanking a cross out of his pocket and Cordelia  
quickly rolling up the funnies and holding them up menacingly like a club.

"Whoa, whoa--guys." Angel held up his hands, motioning for them to stop. He   
feared what would happen if they got into a confrontation right now,   
especially since he hadn't told Wesley, Cordy and Gunn about the baby yet.   
"It's okay; they're not here to hurt anyone."

At least, he hoped not.

Luckily, Darla smiled brightly and said, "Of course not. We're reporting for   
god-parently duties."

"God parent?" Wesley asked, adjusting his glasses and looking more puzzled   
than Angel could remember seeing him.

"Look at what we have for you!" Dru exclaimed, holding up a knitted pair of   
bright purple booties.

Angel could barely stifle a laugh as he noted that the booties had been made   
for a pair of webbed feet. Not even a pair, since the set included three   
pieces.

"Miss Edith and I knitted them all by ourselves." Dru explained proudly.

"And we got this, too." Darla said excitedly, pulling a book from the sack   
she carried and handing it to Spike.

Spike looked at it and raised an eyebrow. *What to expect when you're  
expecting a demon*.

"We're officially taking charge of this pregnancy." Darla announced. "And,   
to start off, we're throwing a little congratulatory party on Saturday."

"Party?" Angel and Spike asked.

"Everyone is coming." Dru giggled. "The stars bade us invite the family."

Darla smiled as she handed out invitations to Angel, Spike, Wesley, Cordelia   
and Gunn. Each was a black card, with a picture of an infant with fangs on   
the front. On the inside, it read clearly, in silver lettering:

Angelus and William the Bloody invite you to share in a party at CARITAS   
this Saturday at 8 P.M celebrating their pregnancy with their first child.   
Come share our joy.

Angel groaned as he watched Wesley and Gunn's faces grow pale with horror.   
Cordelia's eyes never left the book in Spike's hands, her attention only   
wavering over the mention of a party.

Drusilla took the sack from Darla and lifted several pouches of  
blood--human, from the smell of it--and handed them to Spike. "You must eat   
right or the baby won't grow."

Darla smiled again at Angel. "We'll see you at the party. Right now, we have   
to get back home and get a shower. We're going to need one after another   
trek through those filthy sewers." She turned and called over her shoulder,   
"Drusilla! We're going!"

Dru, who'd been rubbing Spike's belly and even holding a conversation with   
it, stood bolt upright and smiled at Spike, waved at the others and then   
skipped out the door with her blond grandsire-come-childe.

Angel hesitantly sneaked a glance over at his staff, wondering what they   
were going to say but knowing he dreaded it. Spike pointedly studied the   
floor, obviously uncomfortable and possibly on the verge of tears.

Finally, Cordelia spoke up. "Okay, um....who's having a baby? And why did   
Darla and Drusilla just invite us to a party?"

Angel groaned.

+++++

In Sunnydale...

 

"He said that if I wanted, he could help me with my homework and then we   
could go out and party or something. I nearly died and Megan said--" Dawn   
rattled on as Willow, Tara and Buffy listened half-heartedly to the rattling   
tale.

As they approached the Summer's household, Buffy got the mail and started   
shifting through it on the way to the door.

"Bills, catalogues, bills--" She held up a black card. "Hey look guys,   
party!"

Dawn looked up, slightly peeved that her narrative had been interrupted.

Willow took the card from Buffy and read before handing it to her   
girlfriend.

"Umm.. Buffy?" Willow started, "did you read the card?"

"Not really. Why?"

"The party's to celebrate Spike and Angel's baby." She said quickly. She   
winced, waiting for the outrage.

"Oh." The Slayer look momentarily deflated, before shaking herself and  
turning to her friends. "Who would think they'd be the first couple to   
really settle down? And here I had my money on Xander and Anya."

The two witches smiled, guiltily. They had begun some of their own plans,   
but weren't ready share quite yet.

"Umm.. hello?" The three elder girls turned to Dawn. "Maybe I'm the  
only one who took Biology 101 here. Two males can't have a baby and  
definitely not two males who've been dead for two centuries."

"It's all right." Willow told her with a smile and a pat on the head.   
"You'll understand when you're older."

"What?!"

+++++

Three miles Northeast of Nowhere, USA...

"Dude, this whacked out bitch at the concert last night gave this to me."   
Devon shoved the envelope at his friend.

Oz opened the envelope and read the letter while keeping his eyes on the   
road. Not to be tried unless you had superpowers or endless time to   
practice.

"Hmph."

"What?" Dev asked, disinterested. He was chipping off his nail polish,  
preparing to redo them. He just hated the smell of acetone, the way it  
gathered in the old fabric seats and never came out.

"Spike and Angel are having a baby."

"That a fact?" Lazily, he managed to peel off one thick strip and flick it   
to the floor.

"Party in L.A." Oz threw out, knowing it would catch his best   
friend/lover/sidekick/fellow wolf's attention.

"I'm up for it."

Oz turned right, instead of left at an important road and just like that   
they were going to L.A. It was definitely a good life.

+++++

"Xander?" Anya called from the living room of his apartment.

"Yeah, An?" He called back through a mouthful of toothpaste. Tonight *was*   
date night, after all, and he couldn't very well kiss her if he had bad   
breath.

"You just received a strange card in that stack of tied-together papers the   
disgruntled man from the post office left on the welcome mat." She replied,   
frowning at the ood black card with a fanged baby on the front.

Xander spat out the toothpaste and came to the living room to see what she   
was talking about, frowning at the card before he opened it and started to   
read. "'Angelus and William the Bloody invite you to share in a party at   
Caritas this Saturday at 8 P.M celebrating their pregnancy with their first   
child. Come share our joy'?" He looked over to his ex-demon girlfriend. "Who   
sent this?"

Anya shrugged and handed him the envelope. "No return address."

Xander turned the card over and found, on the back, the address for this   
place "Caritas". His eyes widended. "It's in L.A. Deadboy and Blondie really   
*are* having a party." Xander's eyes widened further. "That means Deadboy   
and Blondie really *are* having a baby!"

"But...how?" Anya asked.

"The only thing I can think of is karma." Xander said, sitting down slowly   
as the thought of Spike or Angel pregnant turned his stomach.

"Ooh! Maybe it was a vengance spell!" Anya proclaimed happily.

"Yeah, that could be it. Deadboy has a lot of enemies." Xander winced.   
"Someone must've hated him a lot, though..."

Suddenly, Anya slumped. "Why didn't I ever get to cast such a spell? No   
woman I ever served wished for *her* husband to get pregnant." She sat down   
beside Xander, visibly bummed.

"A guy...pregnant...oh, man..." Xander groaned.

"I bet it was NikXizor that cast the spell." Anya grumbled unhappily. "She   
was always trying to show me up. That little instructor's animal."

"Teacher's pet." Xander corrected half-heartedly, still majorly squicked by   
the notion of another man being pregnant.

"Whatever." Anya sighed, resting her jaw in her hands as she leaned on her   
knees. Suddenly, she sat back and smiled perkily at Xander. "So, are we   
going?"

Xander looked from her, to the invitation, and back again. He found himself   
imaging seeing Spike or Angel pregnant. He also found himself pre-planning   
his wisecracks. Finally, he smiled at his girlfriend. "Sure."

+++++

Spin, flex, pivot. Repeat. Oh, yes, indeed, he looked damn fine in indigo,   
the Host decided.

He carefully straightened his tie as he got ready for the evening. His   
assistant and the staff were already mixing drinks and setting up the   
microphone for karaoke, and Danny the lights guy was belting out a loud   
rendition of "Let's get it on" to test the sound systems.

The Host shook his head sadly. Poor guy; he didn't even know his wife was   
cheating on him. Oh well; c'est la vie.

"Hey, Tiffani; is everything going to be good to go for the show tonight?"   
He asked his assistant as she brought him a Sea Breeze.

"All signs point to yes, mon capitán." She said with a silly grin. "Here's   
your mail, and oh, your mom called; she wanted me to remind you that your   
aunt Margie's birthday is this weekend."

"What would I do without you?" He asked with a wink as he shuffled through   
his mail.

"Probably hire some other monkey to do this stuff for you." Tiffani   
smart-mouthed back before she went off to drag Danny the lights guy off the   
stage.

The Host shook his head with a laugh before he pulled a strange, black   
envelope out of his mail. He frowned, breaking the seal and opening the card   
within. He read softly under his breath, then burst out laughing.

"Two weeks ago, these guys didn't even believe they were having a baby, now   
they're having a party to celebrate the pregnancy! How about that?" He shook   
his head again, still chuckling before he turned and called to the staff,   
"All right, guys! There's going to be a party on Saturday! That gives us a   
lot of work to do, and only three days to do it in, so we better hustle!   
Danny, get away from that microphone!"

Darla and Drusilla snickered evilly from their backstage vantage point.

Let the games begin.

~fin~


	5. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday was the past, tomorrow's the future, tonight's the

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess,

Angel sighed as he straightened his tie. He hated wearing these   
things. In fact, he couldn't recall wearing them more than once or   
twice in his unlife, and as he fought to get the damn thing to look   
right and only suceeded in bruising the tender skin on his neck, he   
knew why.

"Spike! Get dressed! We're going to be late!" He called over his   
shoulder.

"I'm not going." A sullen voice replied.

Angel came out to look at him, not sure he'd heard right. "Excuse me?"

Spike lay on the sofa watching an old tape of "Passions", wearing a   
pair of baggy gray sweat pants, a gray t-shirt that read, in black   
lettering, "Sunnydale High Gym Class", his hair was a bit mussed and   
he held, in his arms, a quart of ice cream, a jar of pickles and a   
fork that he was using to dip aforementioned vegetables into   
aforementioned dessert. Angel barely suppressed a gag.

"You heard me." Spike said. "I'm stayin' right here."

Angel sighed. "Spike..."

"Don't you 'Spike' me! I'm not goin' anywhere as long as I look like   
this!" The blond exclaimed indignantly.

"Didn't I say you should go get dressed?" Angel asked.

Spike growled. "That's not what I meant, and you know it. I refuse to   
go out in public when I'm this fat."

"You're not fat." Angel protested.

"Oh, yeah? What do you call this, exactly?" Spike asked, lifting his   
shirt.

"Pregnant." Angel deadpanned, then ducked as Spike hurled a pillow at   
him. "Come on, Will. Darla and Dru are throwing this party, and--"

"And since when are we so chummy with them, anyway?" Spike   
interrupted. "I thought you'd vowed to kill them both."

Angel sighed. "Well, to be honest, even after everything that's   
happened, I still care about Darla." Spike growled, forcing him to   
hastily add, "A little. Just like you still care about Dru." Spike   
relaxed. "And...if we can stop the killing, without having to dust   
them, well..."

"You'd like to try." Spike finished for him in a grating, mocking   
tone.

Angel scowled and hurled the pillow from earlier right back at him.   
The pillow collided with the pickle jar, spilling brine onto Spike's   
t-shirt.

"Hey!" Spike cried indignantly. He grabbed the pillow, and another,   
and hurled them both at Angel.

Within moments, it had turned into a full-out onslaught with sofa   
cushions, which left both vampires laughing.

"All right, all right, I'll come to the party, Peaches." Spike finally  
relented as Angel pulled him into a post-pillow fight hug.

"Thanks." Angel said softly. "You won't regret it."

"No, but you might!" Spike warned.

+++++

Spike and Angel arrived at Caritas fifteen minutes late, seriously  
overdressed (Angel) and extremely nauseated (Spike).

"Angelus!" Darla greeted happily. Both she and Dru were dressed to  
kill--preferably not literally--in purple velvet (Darla) and red   
leather (Dru). "Great party, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Darla, where's the bathroom?" Angel asked. As a vampire, he   
didn't have to "go", and being that he hadn't vomited in years, he   
had no idea where the facilities in Caritas were.

"That way." The blond vampiress said helpfully, pointing to a door on   
the left of the stage. Spike made a run for it, clamping his hand   
over his mouth.

Dru pouted. "Ooh, what's wrong? Does Spikey's tummy not feel good?"

"He's pregnant, Dru." Darla reminded her.

"Sorry. Forgot." Dru apologized.

Spike returned from the bathroom five minutes later, looking tired   
but no longer green, which was, in Angel's opinion, a good thing.

Angel quickly took off his coat and handed it to Spike (the leather   
duster from his second Slayer having been forgotten at home in their   
haste to get to the party). "You all right?"

"I need a drink." Spike muttered, picking up a beer off a passing   
waitress' tray. Angel immediately snatched it away, while Dru slapped   
his hand.

"Naughty boy! None for you." Dru scolded.

Spike was about to let them both have it when a familiar, sarcastic-  
sounding voice greeted, "Hey! What's up, guys? We brought cheesy   
chips."

Spike groaned and turned to Angel. "Let's get out of here."

But it was too late. Xander, Anya, Willow and Giles had arrived, and   
had seen them.

"Rupert." Angel said quietly, more than a little uncomfortable as he   
held out his hand for the former Watcher to shake.

"Ah, yes. Angel. Hello." Giles greeted, a polite smile pasted on his   
face.

"What...what are you guys doing here?" Angel asked, trying to keep   
his tone light but unable to hide his internal panic.

"Got invites." Xander filled him in, handing him one of Darla's   
cards. "You didn't send them?"

"We didn't have any control over this party at all." Spike grumbled   
moodily. "It's all their fault." He gestured to Darla and Drusilla,   
who both smiled proudly.

"Ohhhh." Xander and Willow said in unison, comprehension dawning.

"So. Way we hear it, somebody's got a bun in the oven." Xander said   
with a grin.

Spike groaned and buried his face in one of his hands.

"Blondie???" Xander asked incredulously, but still unable to wipe   
that grin off his face.

Anya elbowed him in the shoulder and then stepped forward, a large,   
ugly plant in her arms. "Here. This is for your young." She sat it   
down on the table in front of Spike, who stared at it, wondering if   
it was going to bite him. "Um...thanks."

"Where's Buffy?" Willow asked suddenly, frowning.

"Buffy's here?" Angel asked at the same time that Spike said, "They   
invited the Slayer?!"

"She's out parking the car." Xander answered the group as a whole.

"Actually, she's here." A voice behind them said, causing everyone to   
turn.

Darla and Dru exchanged looks and smiled evilly, waiting for the   
Slayer's outburst.

Which is how it came to be that they were severely disappointed when   
Buffy instead smiled radiantly, gave Angel and Spike each a hug and   
said, "Congratulations, guys. I'm really happy for you."

Angel smiled in surprise at his ex-girlfriend. "Thanks, Buffy."

"You're welcome." She replied, smiling in return.

"Hey, how is everything over here?" The Host asked, walking over to   
the group. "Everyone having a good--" He stopped suddenly as he saw   
Buffy. "Well, hello, there. I don't believe we've met."

Buffy looked over him, something about her eyes and smile changing   
(and not in a bad way) as she looked over at The Host. "Hi. I'm   
Buffy." She held out her hand for him to shake, but he gently clasped   
it and kissed the back instead. Buffy blushed.

"Hi. I'm the Host, here at Caritas, and I'd like to welcome you   
personally to our fine establishment." He replied smoothly.

Willow grinned and Giles snorted punch through his nose, while Anya   
turned to Xander and punched him on the arm, asking, "Why don't you   
talk to me like that and kiss my hand?"

Buffy and the Host, however, didn't seem to notice as they smiled and   
stared at each other.

"Thank you." Buffy said softly. "I'm sure I'm going to have a good   
time."

"I'm going to hurl again." Spike announced.

He wasn't the only one.

+++++

Tara cruised the area, looking for a good place to park the car. She   
had heard bad things about parking in L.A., but she was sure she   
would do fine. Her attention was drawn so firmly to the road, that   
she narrowly missed a bustling brunette as he made his way into the   
club.

Lindsey liked to come to the demon hang out after work. It was the   
one place that no one would ever think to find him, plus there was   
that great no violence policy that was not guaranteed anywhere else.   
Evil lawyer paradise. He was so consumed in thought that he missed   
the private party sign on the door and nearly tripped over the two   
men standing in the entrance.

"Look, Wes." Gunn said to his companion. "It's Cap'n Hook."

Lindsey tried to keep his cool as the myopic British man stared at   
him.

"Come to gloat?" Wes asked him.

"Came for a drink." He muttered and pushed past them. The bar was in   
sight and he ordered his first of many drinks for the night, hoping   
that he survived.

"By the way, man," Lindsey looked up to see Gunn, getting another   
beer, "wouldn't let Spike see you. He's on the warpath."

This time, Lindsey swallowed audibly and gulped down his drink,   
determined to stand his ground. Gunn chuckled to himself and walked   
away, leaving the other man to drink himself into a stupor.

+++++

Tara gritted her teeth as yet another spot was stolen from her. This   
time by a rather old van that should not have been able to go seventy   
without falling apart. Harnessing her inner energy, she kept driving,   
so that she missed the emergence of a familiar figure.

"Think we should have brought a gift?" Oz asked, climbing down from   
the driver's seat.

"Nah." Devon through back as he tossed glitter on to himself   
liberally.

"You're gonna blind someone." Oz told him. Devon cuffed him on the   
arm and they smiled at each other before heading toward the club. If   
anyone had been watching they would have noticed the curious loping   
walk that gave their true form away.

They entered the demon bar and being the experienced men of the   
world they were, did not even blink to see the Host. Devon took a   
deep breath of the bar's air before breaking out in a grin. His   
oversensitive nose was his biggest talent.

"It's here. Want me to get you some?" Oz shook his head in non-  
verbal reply. It never ceased to amaze him how quickly Dev found the   
one person with pot at a party. Not only found them, but convinced   
them to give it to him for free without return favors.

"Wolfman." A cool hand lingered on his neck. Oz turned to find   
Drusilla breathing down his neck.

"Mmmmm. He smells good!" He turned again to find Darla. The two   
women closed in on him as his heart rate sped up.

"Can we keep him?" Dru asked lazily as she trailed a hand up his   
neck.

"Want a drink?" Darla asked him, ignoring her counterpart. Her voice   
was a purr.

"Huh." Oz said.

"I like men who have a way with words." She purred again. Oz sighed   
and resigned himself to the inevitable.

++++

"Spike! No!" Cordelia snatched away the whiskey before it reached   
the blonde's lips.

"Damn it!" He exploded, ready for blood.

"By the way, Angel's dancing." She said immediately, prolonging his   
rage. Spike glanced over and nearly fell to the ground laughing.

Angel was attempting to dance, but it looked more like an   
uncontrollable spasm had rocked the elder vampire's body. Spike   
watched for several minutes, unable to look away like at a horrible   
car crash. Finally, he stepped into the middle of the crowd that was   
surrounding the gyrating vampire.

"Oh my god! Angel! Are you all right?" He asked, casually tripping   
his sire, so that it looked like he had fallen. He followed the hulk   
to the ground and made as if he was checking his pupils and pulse.   
Then turned a dazzling smile to crowd.

"He's all right! Sorry, sometimes he has these attacks." People and   
demons looked suspiciously at the two vampires before walking away.

"Spike!" Angel hissed at him from the floor. "What was that all   
about?"

"Just trying to defend your honor, Peaches." Then he rose and went   
over the bar. He got his hands on a beer.

"I don't think so!" Buffy grabbed it out of his hands as she went   
dancing by with the Host.

"Shit!" He screamed, but no one heard him.

+++++

Tara whimpered. There wasn't a space to be found for blocks. Spots   
had been taken from her nearly half a dozen times and now, she found   
that she didn't have enough money for a garage. Fervent prayers to   
Gaia began as she wandered the streets, trying to find any place to   
jam her car.

"Hey!" A diminutive man called out when she narrowly missed him. She   
took no notice. " I hate being short."

Jonathon was ready for tonight, hoping against hope that his prey   
would appear. The invitation had come just when he was about to give   
up, but now perhaps, he would be here tonight and they could settle   
what had started between them nearly two years ago.

The club welcomed him in with a warm breath of air, heated from many   
bodies and the sight of a cleared dance floor which several couples   
were making use out of. He scanned the crowd and found his prey,   
shirt open and sparkling. Quietly, he slid into a booth and put out   
the bait, counting backwards from ten until the beautiful boy was at   
his side.

"Hey." Devon said with a sniff, appreciating the quality drug open   
on the table.

"Hello." Jonathan blinked, long thick lashes throwing shadows on his   
cheeks.

"Do I know you?" Devon asked a bit dazed. Jon nodded once,   
slowly. "Have we fucked?"

Another slow nod. "Behind the Bronze. You were high." He offered.

Dev squinted and laughed. "You're that Jon guy, right?"

"Yep."

"You knew I'd be here?"

"Had a hunch."

"You know me pretty well." Devon slid in next to him, pressing warm   
thigh to warm thigh. "Here for repeat business?" Jon smiled broadly   
and a shiver passed through Devon.

"Yes."

++++

"No, Spike!" Wesley cried, grabbing another drink out of the   
blonde's hand, then back stepping quickly away before the vampire   
could scream. He backed right into a pretty, buxom blond.

"Is my Spikey here?" Wesley vaguely recognized her, but drink   
clouded his memory. He figured she was another Spike groupie and   
decided what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her and might benefit him.

"No, he went home. Would you like to dance?"

"Sure!" She shimmied up to him and he carefully led her out of sight   
of the peroxide wonder, who was currently fuming over his lost drink.

Gunn meanwhile was once again lecturing Lindsey. "You're a pretty   
pathetic villain, did you know that?"

Lindsey sighed. How many drinks had he had? Four? Five? He had lost   
count, which meant it was time for another.

"No wonder Angel beats you all the time. Look at them!"

Lindsey turned his head to see Spike and Angel dancing. Not the--  
shiver!--dancing Angel had been attempting, but a sedate, eye contact   
foot shuffle dance.

"You're right." Lindsey downed another drink. " I am a bad villain   
and Angel beats me at most things, but there is one thing he will   
never do better than me."

"Oh, yeah. What's that?" Gunn asked with mock interest.

"Dance."

"Not with that many drinks." The sidekick said with a grin.

"Would you like to bet on that?" Lindsey asked, a matching sneer   
gracing his face.

+++++

"Whoa!"

"Would you look at him go!'

"Oh my god!"

A crowd had gathered around the dancer, who had just taken the   
floor. He writhed to the music. His body undulating with incredible   
grace and sorrowful beauty. The crack team at Angel Investigation's   
stood with their mouths open and eyes wide in disbelief.

"That's just not fair!" Cordy said summing in up. "He's not supposed   
to be so, so, so.."

"Graceful?" Wesley suggested.

"Nimble?" Came from Angel.

"Sexy." And that was Spike getting whapped upside the head by Angel.

"Yeah." Cordy agreed.

The song finally ended and the crowd went wild, applauding the   
dancer who took it all in stride, approaching Gunn.

"You owe me ten dollars." He said with a wicked smile. Gunn gulped   
as the others stared at him.

"You made a bet with Lindsey? That's like selling your soul to the   
Devil!" Cordy was getting all worked up.

Then Spike stepped in. "You're Lindsey?"

The lawyer nodded, trying to maintain a tight control over his fear.   
Spike growled. Then, miraculously he smiled, looking over his   
shoulder at Angel then back to the lawyer. "He's the one you've been   
bitchin' and moanin' about? Get some knackers, Peaches!"

Quietly, Lindsey backpedaled to make his escape. A hand around his   
collar stopped him and he met with Spike's game face.

"Don't think you're off the hook, lawyer boy. Just wait until I get   
this baby delivered. Then I'll show you a real curse."

Lindsey gulped, suddenly all too aware that Spike had no soul.   
Angel cleared his throat, Spike rolled his eyes and went back to his   
lover. He let out a relived sigh and would have left if Gunn hadn't   
thrown a friendly arm over his shoulder.

"Come on, Cap'n Hook. You haven't told me how you learned to dance   
like that and I still owe you a drink."

"SPIKE!" Angel grabbed yet another drink out of the blonde's hand   
and threw it to the floor. "You're going to hurt the baby! Remember   
what Dr. Strife said!" Immediately, Angel regretted raising his   
voice, tears welled up in the younger vampire's eyes and his lower   
lip began to tremble. With a sigh, he drew his lover to him in hug   
and tried not to think about the next eight months.

They stood for about a minute with Spike snuffling and tearing up   
until the blonde pulled back, a wicked smile on his face.

"Thanks sweetie I'll try and have some fun that won't hurt the   
baby."

Angel's already cold blood chilled considerably. Something awful was   
about to happen because Spike, never ever called him sweetie. He   
watched in horror as the blonde climbed on top of the chair.

"HEY!" Everyone turned to the pregnant blonde, who was smiling   
wickedly. Dru and Darla even looked up from Oz's neck for the first   
time all night. The werewolf attempted escape, but Dru held him   
firmly by his unmentionables. "AFTER THE PARTY, EVERYONE CAN CRASH AT   
THE HYPERION!"

The crowd widely applauded, totally drowning out Angel's wail of   
despair. Spike started laughing and might not have stopped ever again   
had he not picked up on his lover's intense distress and eyes   
rolling, gone to his aid.

Tara walked in, wondering if all the applause was for her fantastic   
parking job. It had taken nearly four hours, but it was done and done   
well.

"Hey!" Willow came to her lover's side. "You must have been having   
fun without me! I didn't see you all night." Tara was about to   
explain when the Host detached himself long enough from Buffy to   
announce:

"Who ever owns a red Honda Civic, license plate number WITCH1, your   
car is double parked in front of a hydrant."

Willow blinked. "Hey, isn't that our car?" Tara burst into tears.   
The redhead looked at her, confused. "What? What'd I say?

~fin~


	6. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the party, alcohol is nobody's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess,

Angel awoke to find his hair a mess, his clothes off and Spike's side   
of the bed empty.

In others words, it was a typical Sunday morning.

He slipped out of bed, stepped into a pair of black silk boxer shorts   
and padded out to the lobby, rubbing the back of his neck tiredly.   
What he saw shocked the hell out of him.

Sitting on the couch, all in underwear/pajama-type clothing, were   
Spike, Cordelia and Giles. All were in tears as they watched an old   
tape of "Passions". Cordelia and Giles sipped tea between sniffles,   
while Angel's pregnant lover scarfed Cap'N Crunch straight out of the   
box.

Giles!

Angel suddenly remembered the party last night...and Spike inviting   
all of the guests to come crash at the Hyperion.

Angel felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he went to   
check the bedrooms of the hotel.

Xander and Anya...that was normal. Though Angel found he REALLY   
didn't want to remember what the various weights, clamps and chains   
lying on the bedside table were there for.

Down the hall, cuddled together, Tara slept in Willow's arms while   
the redhead stroked the blond's face in her sleep. Angel slowly   
sneaked away before she could notice him.

So far, so good. The last door on the left was slightly ajar, and   
from it emanated Buffy's scent.

Angel slowly crept down the hall, deciding to check on his ex-  
girlfriend. And thank her for being so amiable about discovering his   
relationship with Spike--not to mention the impending birth of their   
child--the way she did.

He knocked lightly on the door, which swung it the rest of the way   
open. Angel nearly choked on his own tongue as he saw that the Host   
was holding Buffy in her sleep.

Both were naked (in fact, the Host's chest hair looked remarkably   
like a small front lawn), and both had contented, happy little smiles   
on their faces.

Angel quickly close the door and tried not to gag as he fled down the   
hotel stairs. Seeing Cordelia, Giles and Spike all staring at him, he   
quickly went over to his blond love and dragged him away, curtly   
whispering, "I need to talk to you."

"Bloody hell, Peaches, what is it?" Spike snapped once they were out   
of earshot. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Angel sighed, then leaned in and whispered what he'd witnessed into   
Spike's ear.

"YOU FOUND THE SLAYER IN BED WITH THE GREEN GUY?" Spike shouted   
incredulously.

"Shhh!" Angel clamped a hand over Spike's mouth, but it was too late.

Giles and Cordelia exchanged looks before Giles fled to the bathroom   
and Cordelia jumped up and ran over, exclaiming, "I want to see!"

"Wait a minute. Let me get the bloody camera!" Spike cried excitedly,   
and before Angel could stop them, both had not only fetched a camera,   
but were standing in the doorway, whispering and giggling and taking   
snapshots of Buffy asleep with the Host.

Angel cleared his throat to remind them that he was, indeed, still in   
the room, and both turned and grinned at him. Cordelia had the   
decency to look sheepish at Angel's glare, but Spike merely grinned   
wider and asked, "So, Peaches, who else haven't you checked on yet?"

Angel just stared at his lover, giving him the do-you-take-me-for-an-  
idiot face, which was hard to tell apart from his angry face, but   
Spike could tell from the slightly higher eyebrow lift on the right.   
He snickered.

"I guess we'll have to find out on our own!" Spike exclaimed,   
turning to Cordy. She smiled back at him, for once sharing the moment   
with the peroxide blonde.

They traipsed down the hall, followed by Angel. The elder vampire   
watched his childe literally bound down the hallway and tried to   
remember that Spike hadn't been allowed to drink and therefore,   
should be allowed to have some entertainment. The fact that this   
logic made some kind of sense to him was a sure sign that he had not   
only been entirely corrupted by his lover, but that he didn't seem to   
be able to fight it in any way. With a sigh, he trailed after the two   
like a lost puppy.

"Oi! Over here!" Spike tiptoed over to one door and eased it open,   
attempting to make as little noise as possible.

"I knew it!" Cordy whispered vehemently. "If I said it once in high   
school, I said it a thousand times: Devon is gay!"

Inside the room, the lanky musician had somehow completely wound   
himself into the blankets and a much smaller boy next to him. Limbs   
could not be positively identified, so intermingled were they. Spike   
squinted and Angel came up behind him, curious to what had stilled   
his childe.

"Bloody hell." Spike muttered to himself as he snapped a few photos.   
"They're kinda...cute."

Angel growled.

"He doesn't mean it like that!" Cordy hissed at him. "They're like   
kittens. All cute and snuggly."

Angel blanched and for once it appeared that he would be the one to   
lose his blood. Spike shut the door gently behind himself, already   
chuckling at the next mischief.

Following his nose, the heavy musk of a dark princess and   
grandsire beckoned. Angel's eyes widened as he also caught the smell.   
Cordy, who couldn't smell it, but could guess, started to chuckle   
into her hand.

"I don't bloody believe it." Spike stood in the next doorway,   
shaking his head and taking photos the whole time. "The twisted   
sisters took in someone new."

Cordy pushed him aside and ogled at the sight offered to her. Angel   
tried to tell himself that he wasn't in the least bit curious.   
Really. Then why was he standing in front of the door, looking over   
his over excited colleague's head? Again the bed offered some   
interesting sights.

The two beauties were still fast asleep, but their prey was not. Oz   
shot them a pleading look for help with his eyes, trying not to move.   
Each vampire had a hand on his body and he was sandwiched between   
them. It was clear that they intended to make him an early supper   
when they woke. Angel went forward to help the musician, carefully   
moving the women out of the way and extracting Oz with care. By the   
time they were free and the door locked from the outside, Cordy and   
Spike had already disappeared down the hall and into the next room.

He pointed Oz to the lobby where he could sit in the sun, out of   
harms way, then went to follow his errant lover. Soon he tracked both   
bimbo and himbo down. They were gazing into yet another room, this   
time, they both seemed terrified, rather then titillated. Angel gave   
himself a mental pat on the back for remembering the word titillated.

"What's wrong?" Cordy just pointed. Gazing into the room, Angel saw   
Wesley holding a rather buxom blond.

He shrugged. "I guess I always thought he was gay, too. So what?"

"Angel, that is the most evil chit ever to walk this earth." Spike   
solemnly informed him, taking yet another picture.

"She used to just be an evil teenager." Cordy added, her eyes   
narrowing. "Now, she's an evil vampire teenager."

"Only one thing to be done." Spike hitched up his black pajama pants   
and pulled out a stake from God only knew where. And the   
contemplation on where his lover might hide a wooden stake was not   
giving Angel a hard-on, thank you very much!

The blonde charged in, Cordy hard on his heels and plunged the stake   
into Harmony before she could even raise her voice. She crumbled and   
left a human-shaped dust pile on the bed. Wesley woke up, looked at   
the dust, looked at Spike and Cordy, looked at the dust and realized   
he had a huge hangover.

"You dusted my date." He managed to choke out. Spike exchanged a   
look of complete understanding with Cordy.

"Trust us." They said in unison. "It was for your own good."

Wesley groaned and Angel fetched him a glass of water and aspirin.   
It occurred to him as he tracked down his lover through the   
tremendous piece of real estate, that he loved Spike. He knew this   
from way back of course, but this time it really stuck with him. He   
knew something of Harmony. Knew how hard it was for Spike to kill her   
for Wesley's sake and deep down he was proud. On the surface however,   
he was pissed off and vaguely disgusted at the clean-up job awaiting   
him.

"Angel!" It was Cordelia! She sounded like she was in trouble. He   
ran through the corridors until he finally found her, sitting in the   
middle of the hallway. He couldn't be sure if she was laughing or   
crying. She only pointed to the door in which Spike stood, taking the   
last pictures of the roll and shaking wildly.

A pit of dread forming in his stomach, Angel headed over to the   
blonde. Resolutely he looked inside.

And nearly died of laughter.

It was a horrible scene, hideous to behold in the horror it held but   
still strangely fascinating and more then a little amusing.

Gunn was spread eagle on the bed, taking up more room than should be   
humanly possible. He had pushed his companion off the bed and onto   
the floor where he still lay, asleep.

His companion was none other than Lindsey, wearing nothing but an   
eye patch and a carefully drawn pencil moustache. Someone, most   
likely Gunn, had written "Captain Hook Strikes Again!" in red   
lipstick on the wall. Angel gagged.

In the hallway, Cordy wailed.

"That was my favorite lipstick!" Angel went to comfort her and try   
to suppress the bile that was rapidly rising in his throat.

++++

"Hey." Oz greeted his hung-over friend/lover/fellow werewolf/band   
mate.

"Hey." Behind Devon stood Jonathan. Oz raised an eyebrow. Jon raised   
an eyebrow back, and Devon watched them communicate. Finally, Oz gave   
an approving nod and turned to Devon, gave him the don't-even-ask-  
about-last-night face. Devon nodded. Silently, the three packed their   
belongings into the van and sped away.

++++

"Bye." Buffy said, staring into red eyes. They were hugging. She   
moved to step out of his arms and out of the room. She paused. " I   
don't even know your name."

The Host hemmed and hawed for a minute, stared down at her. "You   
have to promise not to tell anyone. My parents were evil."

She smiled. "I promise." Eyelashes batted becomingly.

"It's Sidney." He winced at the sound of it. Buffy wrinkled her nose   
becomingly.

"That's--not too bad."

"Does that mean I can still call you tomorrow night?" He asked   
slyly.

"You got yourself a phone sex date." She told him, then ran from the   
room giggling.

++++

"You don't tell no one about this." Gunn told him. "We straight?"

"Don't worry." Lindsey told him, angrily pulling on his pants. "Not   
exactly dying to tell the world."

They finished dressing in silence, then had an angry staring contest   
until Lindsey started to slink out the door. He reached the knob,   
turned and stared at Gunn.

"Same time next week?"

"Bring it on."

++++

"So, have I spoiled you for sleep over parties, Peaches?" Spike was   
lying on their bed, trying to pretend he wasn't feeling sick. Angel   
was sitting with him, pretending that Spike was just sick in the   
head. It wasn't as hard as one might imagine.

"Maybe." A cryptic smile formed on Angel's sullen face.

"What do you mean maybe?"

"Well, I have to make an honorable man out of you, seeing as you're   
pregnant with my child and all."

"Your child!" Spike stared. Then stopped, then tried to start again   
and stopped. "You want to? Wait. Angelus, did you just propose to me?"

"Looks like it." Angel stared at him, worry creeping into the edges   
of his mischief.

Spike hauled himself out of the bed and locked lips with his lover.   
Pulling back he ran a hand down the side of Angel's face. "Sounds   
good to me."

Angel leaned forward, happily, to take another sip from his lover's   
lips, only to find that they were no longer there.

Retching sounds filtered in from the bathroom. Ever suffering,   
Angel rose to hold his lover's head above the bowl.

~fin~


	7. It's a...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spike goes to the doctor, wackiness ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess,

"Peaches?" Spike asked somewhat timidly as he watched his sire-come-  
fianceŽ brush his teeth.

Angel spat, threw back some water, spat again and turned to Spike,   
toweling off his face.

"Yeah, Spike?"

"Can I ask you a favor?" Spike asked, shifting his weight from foot   
to foot nervously. Spike didn't do that too often these days, now   
that he had gone into the second trimester and was, give or take,   
about thirty-five pounds off-balance.

"You know you can ask me anything." Angel said warmly. Ever since   
they'd been engaged, he and Spike had shared a somewhat softer   
relationship. Cordelia, Wesley--and Dr. Strife, for that matter--had   
all assured Angel that it was merely a hormonal pregnancy side   
effect, part of Spike's new "nesting period", but Angel was enjoying   
it.

"Well...I was wondering," Spike said carefully, fidgeting with his   
engagement ring, "see, today's my fifth month appointment. And   
they're gonna do the ultrasound and all that, and I was wondering, if   
you'd like to come."

Angel was touched. "Spike, you haven't asked me to come with you to   
the doctor's since your fist appointment."

"Yeah, well..." Spike muttered uncomfortably. "Don't let it go to   
your head."

"I won't." Angel said with a smile.

"'Sides," Spike said, perking up, "they're gonna do all my blood   
tests today."

"Blood tests?" Angel asked.

"Yep. Gonna stick me with a needle and suck out eight vials of the   
stuff." Spike said enthusiastically.

Angel gulped. "Um..."

"You're not having second thoughts about going, are you?" Spike   
asked, tears threatening.

"No, no, no!" Angel protested quickly. "Of course not. I'd love to   
go."

"Okay." Spike said with a nod. "Get dressed, I'll see meet you at the   
car in a minute."

"Okay." Angel said with a quivery smile, watching his lover go, then   
he found himself groaning.

Eight vials?!

+++++

Dr. Strife smiled at them when they entered. He gave Spike a high   
five and Angel a reassuring pat on the back. The elder vampire smiled   
weakly, wondering how the doctor knew he was so nervous.

"All right, Spike." Dr. Strife leered down and the pregnant man,   
who leered right back. Angel groaned, they were a match made in   
hell. "Since you're of the vampire variety after I remove your blood,   
you have to replace it immediately."

"Brought the donor with me!" Spike grinned at Angel, who realized   
the expert of mischief had once again duped him. Dr. Strife just   
laughed.

"Great." He pulled out a needle from nowhere. This feat managed to   
distract Angel from the first vial of taken blood. The next, however,   
was as clear as day, the needle sinking into pale skin, the oozing   
blood filling the clear cylinder. Angel began to sway. Spike watched   
with keen interest as Angel fell to the ground with a 'thud'. Dr.   
Strife looked over at the fallen vampire.

"A vampire afraid of needles and blood?"

"He's a big pooftah." Spike said by way of explanation. "You gonna   
finish or what?"

"Eager for a blood letting?" Strife smiled fondly, " I remember the   
good ole days..."

The doctor went about his business drawing blood, regaling Spike   
with tales about yet more blood and both having a genuinely good   
time.

"That was the last one. I usually offer my patients some juice and   
cookies right about now, but I think your best bet would be to drink   
some of your Sire's blood." They glanced down at the unconscious   
form. "Or you can have some of the O pos from my fridge."

"As long as I can still have the cookie."

Angel woke up to a bizarre sight. Spike sat/lay in the office   
chair, which had been raised into a sitting position, but the seat,   
was adjusted for his considerable bulk. He was also nibbling on a   
chocolate chip cookie, as was the Dr. Strife. They were laughing and   
Angel was positive he didn't want to know why.

"Hey, luv. Wanna cookie?" Spike proffered the small sweet treat and   
before he could stop himself, he had taken it and bit into it. Spike   
turned to the good doctor, satisfied that Angel was back to the land   
of the not-quite living.

"Can we do the test now?"

"Of course."

Spike's overlarge belly was smeared with goo. Angel watched in   
fascination as Dr. Strife hooked up all the machinery. He carefully   
ran the scanner over Spike's stomach. The screen slowly cleared and   
revealed a pulsing green image of a fetus. Spike reached out to   
clutch Angel's hand. For a long time they stared at the screen.

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" Spike nodded mutely,   
clutching Angel's hand even tighter.

"You, my fine vampiric friend, are giving birth to a perfect little   
girl."

"A girl!" Angel exclaimed, frightened, but Spike's eyes gleamed in   
happiness.

"Another dark princess!" Spike rejoiced.

Angel shuddered, thinking of the child's godparents. "Is the baby...   
a vampire or human or...?" Angel couldn't finish.

"It will be perfectly human."

Angel relaxed visibly. He stared at the green screen until his eyes   
hurt. When he glanced down at Spike, he saw his own happiness   
mirrored on his mate's face. It was a beautiful moment.

"Angel, may I talk to you a moment?" Dr. Strife asked. The vampire   
nodded vaguely and detached himself from Spike, keeping his eyes on   
the screen as he went into the doctor's smaller office. It contained   
little more then a desk and a few papers.

"I want to show you something." The doctor 'pulled' out a picture   
and handed it to him. The man depicted was tan and beautiful, his   
eyes winked and behind him were full-sized fluffy wings. "This is my   
consort, Cupid. We've been together for nearly two millennium and in   
that time we've had three kids, numerous cats and an extended family   
you don't want to know about. One thing I've learned, every day is   
something new. I know you love Spike and I'm glad that you two are   
getting more serious, but please don't get into to a relationship you   
can't handle."

"I love him." Angel said simply, aware he was being tested. Ice blue   
eyes, very much like Spike's, evaluated him.

"Good." The Doctor paused and handed Angel a card. It didn't say   
anything on it, but was rather a pulsing green color. "When Spike   
goes into to labor, rub this card and I'll come. It can only be   
activated with love."

Angel took it and returned to Spike and their soon-to-be daughter.

"What are you going to name her?" Dr. Strife asked.

"Something wicked." Spike said right way.

"How about Syinthia?" Angel suggested.

"What about it?" Spike asked. "I'm not naming our daughter some   
misspelled hippie name."

"I like misspelled hippie names." Angel protested before he could   
stop himself.

Two pairs of blue ice eyes bored holes in his head. Spike turned   
to the doctor, shaking his head. "Do you see what I have to deal   
with?"

"Don't look at me!" Dr. Strife protested mildly. "I'm an   
obstetrician, not a therapist.

~ fin ~


	8. The Baby Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darla, Dru, Cordelia and the female Scoobies have a surprise for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess,

Angel held the car door open for Spike and helped him out as they arrived at   
the hotel.

A daughter; they were going to have a daughter. Angel was still recovering   
from the shock. He and Spike were going to have a little girl within a scant   
four months.

"Cor," Spike said, breaking the silence. "A girl."

Angel looked down at him. "Just now sinking in?"

Spike nodded but smiled. "Another princess for us to fight over."

"You *plan* on it?" Angel asked, raising an eyebrow.

Spike merely grinned in response and walked into the hotel lobby. Angel  
followed, intending to get an answer to that, but immediately forgot to the   
second he realized that Cordelia, Darla, Drusilla, Buffy and Willow were all   
huddled by the receptionary, talking in whispers.

"...oh, that'd be perfect!" Buffy hissed at the other women, who all  
giggled.

"I like this one." Darla whispered, pointing at something in what looked   
like a magazine.

"But don't we have to find out what the baby is first?" Willow asked softly.

Angel and Spike exchanged looks before Angel cleared his throat loudly. All   
five women quickly stood bolt upright and Cordelia hid the magazine they'd   
been looking at behind her back.

"What were you guys--" Angel started to ask.

"So, how was the doctor's?" Buffy interrupted quickly, not giving him a  
chance to finish the sentence.

Angel made a mental note to ask his question again later before he replied,   
"Good."

"We found out the sex of the baby." Spike put in from beside him.

All five women either grinned or squeaked.

"So, what is it?" Cordelia asked, practically bouncing where she stood.

"It's a girl." Angel told them, then blanched as all five let out a  
simultaneous shriek.

"Hella cool!"

"Congratulations!"

"That's so great!"

"Wonderful!"

"A beautiful little girl for the moon to dance with!"

Once they'd all settled down, Spike jumped in with, "So, what were you birds   
up to before we came in here?"

The odd assortment of females exchanged looks very quickly before Darla  
grabbed Dru's arm and started dragging her towards the door, stopping only   
to press quick kisses to Angel and Spike's cheeks.

"Dru and I have to go now, but we'll see you tomorrow, boys." Darla  
explained quickly as she continued dragging the brunette away.

"Yes. Miss Edith is all alone, and she must be terribly bored--" Drusilla   
called over her shoulder before both were out the door.

Angel and Spike turned their glares on the human women, who immediately  
started snatching up their jackets and purses.

"Willow and I have some shopping to do.

"Yeah, some, uh, grocery shopping. We're shopping for groceries."

"I, um, have an audition. I'll see you later."

Before either vampire had a chance to intervene, all three were out the  
door.

The two men shared a look and thought, as one, "Uh-oh."

+++++

The mall was swamped, but the girls didn't mind. They ran, giggling wildly,   
from store to store. Soon their credit cards were maxed out and they were   
exhuasted. Especially Tara who had spent three hours in the mall parking   
lot, desperately looking for a spot.

The weary shoppers dragged themselves back to the Hyperion, coming in the   
back way so as to avoid the vampires, who had been fretting the whole time.

+++++

"Will you hurry? Lindsey can only keep Angel and Spike busy for so long!"   
Darla snapped at the others as they rushed about, getting everything ready   
for the girls' surprise: a baby shower for Spike.

"Well, if everyone would *help*," Buffy glared at Xander, who was snatching   
food off of the buffet she'd set up with Dru. He was the only shirker in the   
room, as Cordelia, Willow, Tara and Anya were wrapping gifts, Darla, Wesley,   
Giles and Gunn were decorating and Dru was making sandwhiches.

"I *am* helping." Xander protested. "I'm guarding the food."

"News flash: it doesn't count as guarding if you're the one eating it."   
Cordelia sniped irritably from her position on Wesley's shoulders, hanging a   
pink-and-white "It's a girl!" banner up on the wall.

"Oh, Xander, be careful which ones you eat!" Anya cautioned, looking up from   
the present she was (badly) wrapping. "Some of those sandwhiches are for   
Spike, and they have blood in them."

Xander choked on what he'd thought was a peanut butter and strawberry jelly   
sandwhich and began to gag. He shot a dirty look to Drusilla, who smiled   
innocently in response.

"Daddy and my little Spike are coming...." Dru said suddenly, her eyes   
crossing. "They're *very* cross."

Darla grinned. "Sounds like Lindsey did his job well."

"Oh, God, they're coming NOW?" Buffy squeaked.

"Quickly, everybody, get everything into place!" Giles ordered. Wesley   
dropped Cordelia once the banner was hung and threw himself into the effort   
while Willow, Tara and Anya hurriedly wrapped the remaining presents and   
quickly went to set them up. Gunn quickly hung the streamers while Darla   
barked orders and Buffy and Dru hurriedly set up the remaining food.

"All right; places, everyone!" Giles told them once everything was ready,   
and they all looked around for hiding places.

Angel entered the hotel lobby briskly, flanked by Spike, irritation written   
plainly across their faces at having dealt with Lindsey. The man was not a   
favorite of either vampire just then, and that the man had the gall to come   
to *their* home and start making threats--

"Surprise!" An odd assortment of friends, former friends and   
family-come-enemies-come-friends chorused, emerging from hiding places.

Spike and Angel both looked around wildly, seeing the decorations, the food,   
the people and realized with a start exactly what the women had been   
planning yesterday.

Angel and Spike exchanged quick looks before Spike doubled over and fainted.

+++++

While everyone fussed over the vampires, Lindsey slid into the building   
through a back door. He hurriedly found the gift pile and placed a   
medium-sized package into it. Magical residue leaked onto some of the other   
presents. He smiled a little and decided to wait in one of the empty rooms.

This time his plan had to work.

Gunn watched from the balcony, wondering what his sometime enemy,  
sometimes sex buddy was doing. After he was sure Lindsey was gone, he  
returned downstairs and removed the gift, failing to notice the green ooze   
that had landed on some of the other presents. He decided to let Wesley   
look at it later, so he placed it on the brunette's night stand. Wesley had   
taken to sleeping in the Hyperion occasionly. Somewhere in the hotel,   
someone screamed. He turned quickly and the gift was knocked out the window.   
It landed on an unsuspecting bystander, promptly freezing the man in place   
before it stopped his heart.

+++++

"Now sit over here!" Cordalia commandced the two vamps. Spike, tears  
in his eyes as he regained concsiousness, settled himself into one of the   
bridge chairs that had been set in front of the gift table. Angel followed,   
albiet reluctantly, watching his mate's tearful face.

"Open the gifts." Anya commanded.

"Remember what we said about the bossy thing?" Xander reminded her  
gently.

"It's only for the times I wear the black leather thong?" Anya asked,  
looking guilelessly at him. Several people groaned.

"Right." Spike interjected. "Gifts now."

The first package was wrapped with eight ribbons and tied in complicated   
knots. When it was finally all undone, after much cursing on Spike's part,   
it revealed a few jumpers. One had bunny ears and feet. The card pinpointed   
Anya and Xander as the culprits.

"My girl is NOT going to look like a pink bunny." Spike growled. Angel  
laid a firm hand on his fiancee's shoulder.

"What's in the next one?"

The gifts proved to be mostly normal baby stuff. Rattles, bottles and  
other toys, including a swing. The last was from the Host and Buffy.  
Apparently, the two had become something of a real couple. Angel wondered   
how long it would be until he would dance at their wedding.

"Oi! Peaches, a carriage! And it's black!" The blonde beamed, revealing  
a sleek-looking baby carriage that was indeed black. Angel glanced at the   
card.

"Willow, Tara, you didn't have to do this."

Tara smiled shyly, but Willow stepped forward, taking Angel's hand, a   
serious look in her eyes.

"You mean a lot to us, Angel. We wish you all the best, a carriage is  
the least we can do. Plus, we added a few magic tweaks. No one can touch the   
baby while she's in this, unless you or Spike say they can."

Angel hugged her and behind him, Spike was tearing up again.

"Last present!" Spike grabbed a rather ill wrapped gift off the now  
paper strewn table. "We! Who got demon slime on my prezzie?"

Hurriedly, Spike wiped off the gook onto extra wrapping paper, but not  
before some of it was absorbed into his skin which began to tingle. Spike   
shrugged and turned back to his gifts. His mind was in a muddle with all the   
mushiness he was feeling at the moment, so he didn't take the time to really   
think about it. Instead, he tangled with the convoluted knots.

"What is that thing?" Angel examined the stuffed animal that was  
delivered from the packaging.

"It's an octopus! With a guitar and sunglasses!" Cordy said with a  
laugh. "Who's it from?"

Spike held up a postcard. The front had two obese women lying naked on  
beach towels, the words Wish You Were Here scrawled in marker on their  
prominent behinds. He read the back:

"Spike and Angel, Congrats. -O,D,J." The scarred eyebrow lifted ever  
so slightly.

"Oz, Devon and Jonothon!" Cordy shrieked, causing everyone else to cover   
their ears. She didn't seem to notice. "That's soooo cute."

"More like really weird." Willow muttered. Tara patted her on the back  
and gave her a tiny smile. There were bags under Tara's eyes from her  
sleepless night spent trying to find a space near the Hyperion. Willow  
squeezed her hand. "Thanks. I forget that I'm over him sometimes. You  
really shouldn't have stayed up to watch the late night movie last night."

Before Tara could protest, Cordelia was announcing that it was time for the   
big surprise.

+++++

"What've you girls got up your sleeves now?" Spike asked as Darla secured a   
blindfold around his head and Drusilla bounced up and down excitedly.

"Just wait and see, wait and see!" Dru squeaked. Cordelia, Buffy and Willow   
rolled their eyes in unison.

"Dru. That's enough." Darla told her gradnchilde/sire/lover in a placating   
tone. The dark-haired vampiress' bouncing slowed to a stop.

"Just wait until you see." Cordelia said with a grin.

Angel frowned a little at Spike, whose shoulders were drooping a little   
tiredly. He didn't look entirely well. Angel shook it off; probably part of   
the aftereffects of fainting. "Can we hurry this up? I don't think Spike   
feels too good."

Even behind the blindfold, Angel could tell Spike was scowling.

"Come on. This way." Buffy and Cordelia each took one of Spike's arms to   
steady him as Darla and Dru skipped ahead, obviously looking forward to   
Spike and Angel seeing whatever this big surprise was.

"Now, we all pitched in on this one," Cordelia was explaining as they   
walked. "Even the Psycho Twins. So, we're really proud of how it turned out.   
And I think you'll like it!"

Angel soon found himself in front of one of the empty rooms of the   
Hyperion--one not very far from he and Spike's room, for that matter.   
Cordelia let go of Spike's arm and threw the door open, grinning widely   
while Darla and Dru stepped inside, each looking proud as hell as Buffy   
removed Spike's blindfold.

Both of the male vampires' jaws dropped.

The entire room was...pink. It had been painted pink, it had soft fabic   
swans tacked to the walls, lacy white curtains over the window, in the   
corner was a delicate white basinette with a frilly pink lace trim. There   
were toys everywhere, and there were probably more in the pink toy chest in   
the corner. There was a beautiful cherry wood dresser beside the basinette   
with a soft, delicate pink touch lamp sitting on top of it, and the floor   
had been stripped of its carpet, the hard wood underneath buffed to a shine,   
and a pink and white rug with swans and teddy bears patterned on it lay on   
the floor.

Darla, Dru and the female Scoobies had converted one of the Hyperion's   
hundreds of empty rooms into a nursery.

Angel looked over at Spike, not sure what he was expecting to see but it   
certainly wasn't the fury contorting the younger vampire's face.

Angel groaned as he realized just what his childe's problem was.

"Angelus...can I see you outside for a moment?" Spike asked through clenched   
teeth.

"Excuse us." Angel told the small group of curious-looking females as Spike   
dragged him into the hallway. Angel sighed again. "They're just trying to be   
nice."

"I don't bloody care! My baby is not living with pink frilly... things!"   
Spike snapped at his lover.

"*Your* baby?" Angel asked incredulously. "I happen to be fifty percent   
shareholder."

Spike snorted. "That was before I couldn't drink."

Angel scowled. "You were a lot more tolerable then."

"In the words of Buffy: Duh." Spike shot back, rolling his eyes.

Angel shook his head and started to storm off before Spike grabbed his   
shoulder. "Don't be a flamin' sod. Of course the baby's part yours."

Angel sighed and looked down at his lover. "Lindsey knew what he was doing,   
didn't he?"

Spike shrugged. "I like him; he's got spunk."

It was Angel's turn to snort. "Yeah. Too bad it's aimed at ruining our   
lives."

"It won't work." Spike assured him. "You forget, I lived with Dru for a   
century. ALONE."

Angel winced slightly. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I'd have stuck around, but   
Darla drove me out at the point of a stake."

Spike shrugged. "Eh, whatever. Just as long as you're back for good."

Angel barely supressed a very un-Angel-like grin as he replied, "In the   
words of Buffy: Duh."

Spike couldn't help a small laugh, in spite of the sudden cramp he felt in   
his lower abdomen. He ignored it and gave Angel an uncharacteristically   
gentle kiss. "All right, Peaches; I'll...go in and play nice with the   
girls."

"Okay." Angel put an arm around Spike's shoulders as they went back into the   
nursery, trying to hide his concern for Spike's welfare as he did so.

Back in the nursery, Drusilla was happily swaying with Darla to music only   
she could hear, her eyes closed and a dreamy smile on her face. "Isn't it   
wonderful? I'm going to be a mummy!"

Darla rolled her eyes and whirled Drusilla around to face her, pulling her   
close. "Spike *is* the one that's pregnant, Dru."

Dru paused, opening her eyes and looking confused."But how can Spike be a   
mummy?"

Xander, appearing at the most annoying moment, piped in through a mouthful   
of a non-bloody sandwhich, "Yeah. I thought that was Angel's job."

Both Spike and Angel were about to retort before the gravity of the question   
sank in and they stared at each other.

"Who is the mommy?" Spike asked.

"You're pregnant, you do the math." was Angel's reply.

"You have two children already." Spike pointed out.

"You and Dru don't count." Angel waved it away.

"Hey!" Spike realized something with a grin. "If I'm your childe, then our   
baby is your grandchilde!"

"Don't start." Angel cautioned as the others all stared at them.

"You're a grandpa and a daddy!" Spike exclaimed, laughing.

"Ha! See? Not a mother." Angel leapt on the fact.

"We can both be fathers, then, because there's no way I'm going to be a   
mum." Spike stubbornly insisted.

Angel sighed. "Fine."

"Then I can be the mummy." Dru proclaimed happily.

Angel and Spike both glared at her. "NO!"

Dru pouted and let out a half-whine, half-sob. "This is soooooo   
disappointing!" She immediately began to snivel and bawl.

Buffy, Cordelia and Willow sighed irritably and glared at Darla, silently   
pleading with the blond vampiress to do something to shut her up.

Darla sighed. "Dru, hush. You can be my mummy."

Dru immediately stopped and smiled sweetly. "Okay."

Angel rolled his eyes. "Come on; let's get back to the lobby and get you   
something to eat, Spike."

"Yeah; you could use it. You don't look well." Cordelia put in.

Spike glared at her, and she backed up defensively, "Hey, I'm just   
saying..."

"Spike, she's right. Just get a meal, have fun. You'll feel better." Buffy   
placated.

Spike sighed. It was true, he didn't feel well--not that he wanted to admit   
that to Angel--but the thought of food when his stomach was bothering him so   
seemed like a bad idea. Well, maybe it was just weird hunger pangs. "Okay."

Angel wrapped a protective arm around Spike's waist and guided him back to   
the lobby, the females in tow.

+++++

Gunn searched every room with predatory awareness. Eventually, he found his   
prey and cornred him.

"Gunn. What a surprise." Lindsey said, deadpan.

"What was in that present of yours?"

"That's for me to know and to find--ack!" The lawyer found himself  
pushed against the wall and at least two feet off the floor.

"I got rid of that ticking bomb, but some of the stuff got on Spike. Now   
either you tell me what it is or I snap your neck."

For a moment they just stared at each other and Lindsey suddenly knew that   
Gunn could not keep to his threat. And just as suddenly, he lost his desire   
for revenge.

"There was a spell in the present that would have induced labour within   
nanoseconds. It would rip Spike in two, killing both him and the baby. If   
Spike only touched a little of it, then he won't go into a labour for   
another half-hour to an hour and then it'll be normal."

Gunn let Lindsey fall to the ground and stared down at him, dibelief  
plain on his face. "How could you do that?"

"I'm the bad guy." Lindsey replied as if by rote. He picked at the  
capreting with a free hand.

"I have to go warn Angel." Gunn gathered to go, but found himself hindered   
by Lindsey. More precisly, Lindsey's hand undoing his zipper. Gunn slapped   
him away. "You can't be serious."

"I'm always serious about sex." The lawyer replied, finishing the job  
and taking Gunn into his mouth, working him to hardness. The black man  
groaned, weaving his fingers into dark brown hair. He could tell Angel  
whatever was so important, later. If he couldn't remember it probably didn't   
matter. Then Lindsey deep throated him and he couldn't think at all.

+++++

Angel clinked his glass with a fork, calling together the party. Spike   
stood beside him, swaying slightly. The elder vampire raised his glass to   
the company.

"I want to say thank you to everyone of you who came today. Spike and I have   
really enjoyed this party."

"Angel?" Spike turned to his Sire.

"In a minute. Anyway, it means a lot to both of us that you've accepted this   
admitadly bizzare situation--"

"Angel." Spike said again, tugging his sleeve.

"Wait, Spike. Your strong support during this diffcult time is  
commendable--"

"Angel!" Spike's voice shot up a register into a full-pitched whine.

"Not now, Spike!" Angel said in a sharp whisper before returning to his   
speech. "It's been my pleasure to work with you all over the years and--"

Somewhere in the hotel, a long groan shuttered out and Gunn's brain  
kicked back into a more fuctional compacity. He leapt up, leaving Lindsey   
collapsed on the bed before charging up the steps and into the lobby.

"It is my deepest wish that all of you--"

"Hey, PEACHES!" Angel whirled around to face his lover. Spike glared at him.

"What is it Spike?!"

Gunn burst into the lobby. "Angel! Spike's about to go into labor!"

Everyone stared at the panting black man, who somewhere along the line  
had lost his pants. When that got to embarrsing they turned to look at   
Spike, who was still glaring at Angel.

"Spike?" Angel asked again, worry creeping into his tone. The blonde  
rolled his eyes.

"My water broke, you stupid ponce!"

Angel gulped and went for the card that Dr. Stife had given him.

It wasn't there.

That pair of pants had been thrown into the wash this morning by an   
overeager to please Spike. Angel began ever so slightly to panic.

"Angel, I don't think it's a good sign that you're turning red." Willow   
pointed out.

The glass in the elder vampire's hand shook violently and smashed into a   
thousand pieces.

"Oh, shit." Spike groaned and collapsed onto the floor.

That's when the chaos broke loose.

"No, Anya. Spike didn't pee in his pants."

~fin~


	9. Paging Dr.Strife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody, get the hot water!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We eventually steal one character from Xena: Warrior Princess, but

"Okay, okay, let's not panic." Giles said, trying to calm everyone  
(especially Spike and Angel) down as the blond vampire sank to the floor,  
groaning in agony. "Angel, I'm sure you can find the card to get ahold of  
the doctor."

"It's not in my pants! Why isn't it in my pants? I left it in these pants!"  
Angel frantically assessed, looking from Giles to Spike to Lindsey and back  
again.

Spike moaned in pain, then shot a deadly glare to Angel. "Check in the  
dryer, you moron!"

"Okay, Spike, take it easy." Willow soothed, holding one of his hands. "Just  
take deep, cleansing breaths." She demonstrated a few, turning to Tara with  
a look that plainly said, 'Do it!' Tara got the message and imitated Willow.

Spike tried to breathe, too, but somehow, in his stress, he'd forgotten how.

Angel ran into the basement of the hotel, Buffy in tow, and dug through the  
dryer.

"It's not there!" He cried.

"Well, um...check the laundry?" Buffy offered.

She had no sooner said it than Angel had up ended the laundry baskets,  
scattering the clothes on the floor and frantically searching through them  
for the card.

"Ow. Ow. Owwwwwwww!" Spike whined, clutching Willow's hand almost hard  
enough to break her slender fingers.

Anya frowned at Spike before leaning down. She appeared to be inspecting his  
crotch.

"Um, Anya, what are you doing?" Xander asked.

"Spike is an anatomically correct male." Anya announced.

"No shit, sherlock!" Spike snapped at her before he let out another chorus  
of "ow"'s.

"Well, how is the baby going to get out?" Anya asked.

"That... is a really good question." Wesley said, looking puzzled.

Cordelia frowned, too, then dropped to her knees and followed Anya's  
inspection.

"Will you stop that?!" Spike snapped, trying to kick the former cheerleader  
away.

"There really is no way for this baby to get out of him...at least, not  
naturally, I don't think." Cordelia told the group over Spike's growls of  
pain and annoyance.

"Well, they're both vampires, right?" Anya asked, then continued: "Maybe the  
baby will have a full set of teeth and chew its way out."

"Nah...it's human." Darla told her, waving the idea away.

"Will you shut them up?!" Spike shouted, then howled, his back arching as  
another spasm of pain shot through him.

"Well, it could crawl up his throat and come out of his mouth, maybe." Anya  
continued thoughtfully, ignoring him.

"The baby isn't actually in his stomach, Anya." Giles told her with a scowl.

"It could be." She said defensively. "Spike doesn't have a uterus, so it  
could've wound up anywhere in the abdominal region. It could be in his  
intestines, or his liver. Or maybe his spleen."

Willow turned to look at her as Spike let out an audible whimper, either  
from pain or from fear that the baby really was in his spleen. "Will  
somebody get her out of here?" She snapped irritably.

"Yeah, okay. Right then. Come on, An." Xander said as he picked up his  
fiancee and slung her over his shoulder. "There's got to be a closet around  
here somewhere."

Xander carried her upstairs and was almost out of earshot when the group  
heard Anya giggle and ask, "Are we playing the caveman game again?"

Gunn shook his head in annoyance as Spike let out another chorus of howls  
and explicatives before he shot a deadly glare at Lindsey. "This is all your  
fault. If either of them dies 'cause of you, I'm gonna rip your dick off and  
shove it in a blender."

"No, you won't." Lindsey said calmly, meeting Gunn's gaze.

The younger but much larger male swelled with anger, pulled himself up to  
his full, intimidating height and glared at Lindsey as he asked, "And why  
not?"

"Because I happen to know for a fact that you like my dick where it is."

Spike let out a whine, a groan, a curse in some demon language the others  
couldn't identify and a high, keening cry.

Drusilla sidled over to him, cradled his head in her lap and whispered,  
"Shhhhh."

Willow held his hand a little tighter and said, "Cleansing breaths, Spike.  
In, out, in, out..."

Angel, meanwhile, continued to panic in the basement as he searched for the  
card, Buffy watching him with great amusement and desperately trying not to  
laugh. After all, it wasn't *his* fault that the card was missing. And it  
wasn't his fault he had no idea what to do when Spike was in labor. And it  
certainly wasn't his fault that a pair of what Buffy hoped was Cordelia's  
underwear (being that it was a pair of bright red bikini pants) was stuck  
the back of his shirt.

"How's Daddy doing?" The Host said, startling Buffy as he entered the  
basement to check on things.

"Panicking." Buffy told him matter-of-factly before she grinned evilly at  
him and pointed out the bikini underwear stuck to Angel's back.

Angel growled and looked at them, torn between panic and frustration now. "I  
can't find it!"

"Oh boy. Okay." The Host laid a comforting hand on Angel's shoulder and  
looked him in the eyes. "Angel, we're going to have to think about something  
else."

"Right. Cleansing breaths, honey." Buffy said placatingly, demonstrating a  
few until Angel picked up her cue.

"Okay. You just need to calm down, and I'm going to do my very best to help  
you do that. Okay?" The Host explained slowly and patiently to Angel.

Angel nodded, still taking the cleansing breaths. "Right."

"Okay. Sorry to do this, pal." And with that, the green-faced singer smashed  
his fist with all of his strength against the back of the 247-year-old's  
head, effectively knocking him out.

Buffy looked at Angel's prone form on the floor, then looked back up at her  
demon lover, and muttered, "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Owie owie owie owie owieeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The shriek came from the lobby, and, oddly enough, was not Spike's, but  
Willow's.

Rushing to the redhead's aid, Buffy couldn't help but laugh as she saw that  
Spike was clenching his fist so hard on Willow's fingers that the girl was  
in pain.

The Slayer quickly came to her rescue, prying the blond vampire's hand off  
of the hacker's, and trying hard not to giggle in the face of her two  
friends' suffering.

"From now on, Angel is in charge of the hand-holding." Willow griped as Tara  
soothingly kissed her lover's fingers.

"I'm afraid that's not gonna be possible, kitten." The Host said as he  
walked in, using strength that Buffy had not known he had by toting Angel's  
weight and laying him gently on the couch. "I'm afraid Big Daddy over here  
is down for the count."

"Great." Willow grumbled, looking distinctly peeved. "Buffy, will you do  
it?"

"No way, Wil. My Slayer duties don't entail holding my vampire friend's hand  
during childbirth." Buffy replied.

Spike looked somewhat hurt by this statement, so Willow looked hopefully  
over to the guys in the room, sized them up and asked, "Gunn?"

The tall black man snorted. "I ain't gettin' my hand torn off by a pregnant  
vampire."

Spike was looking near to tears at this point. Willow turned a pleading look  
to her lover. "Tara?"

Judging by the fear in Tara's wide blue eyes, things were not looking too  
good for Spike until Darla sighed, stood up, and, with a grumble of "Humans  
are such babies!", took Spike's hand in a firm grip.

"Ouch! Not so hard!" Spike snapped at his grandsire, who shot him a deadly  
glare.

"Okay," Cordelia said, jumping in for the first time in nearly half an hour.  
"Since it's obvious that we're not finding that card anytime soon, who wants  
to load Spike into the car, get the camcorder and drive him to the doctor's  
office?"

"I'm all for that."

"Sounds good."

"What are we waiting for? Let's go!"

"Get the blankets!"

"Tara, we'll need you to park the car."

"NOOOOO!"

Everyone stopped and turned to look at Tara, who stood there  
hyperventilating with her fists balled up.

"No. Uh-uh. Not doing it!" She cried.

"Tara--" Willow started to say.

"No! No! I have spent hours and hours, and I have driven all over the place,  
and there are NEVER ANY SPACES! I'm not doing it! I refuse! No!" The blond  
lesbian finished all of this in one huge, babbled sentence, and with the way  
her blue eyes blazed, no one wanted to argue.

"Okay."

"All right?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"Fine." Willow said. "But we'd better look for a spell."

Giles and Wesley both looked as if they had just become totally in their  
element and said, as one, "I'll go look in my books."

"Hurry!" Spike cried, squeezing the hell out of Darla's hand.

On the couch in the corner, Angel slept on.

***

Three hours of searching, a lot of cursing and two trips into downtown L.A  
later, they had the spell.

The trouble was that Spike wanted no part in it.

"No!" He said firmly between puffing breaths and animal growls of pain. "I'm  
not lettin' one of you witches make herself un-solid to reach through my  
skin! Forget it!" The firmness of this statement was ruined, however, when  
it was punctuated with "Ow, ow, ow, ow, owwww! FUCK!!!!!"

"We'll have to figure out some way to restrain him or sedate him long enough  
to perform the spell." Giles said, taking off his glasses and pinching the  
bridge of his nose.

Upon hearing the word "sedate", a malicious gleam appeared in Darla's eyes.  
"There might be a way."

Everyone in the room turned to look at her. She, in turn, looked at  
Drusilla.

Dru looked at them all with wide, doe eyes. "Mars is unusually bright  
tonight. The moon bleeds."

Giles looked Darla, suddenly realizing what she had in mind. "Are you sure  
you know what you're doing?"

"Absolutely." The blond vampiress said with a smirk over her grandchilde's  
howls.

****

"Look....in my eyes. Be...in me." Drusilla crooned softly, her icy blue  
depths boring into Spike's. "No pain. No fear. Sleep..."

Spike was visibly shaking, but he seemed to be falling under the spell.

Dru smiled. "Sleep, my William. The worms will teach us how to dance when  
you awake."

Spike's face went entirely blank as he succumbed completely to the trance.

Everyone in the room but Darla thought, "Woah."

"All right." Wesley said, rubbing his palms together. "Now, for the spell."

"I've got everything we need right here." Tara said, looking happy to be  
helping in a non-parking capacity.

The spell was an interesting one, a sort of spiritual-healing thing. Willow  
was going to cast the spell upon herself and the baby to change their forms  
to almost spectral, non-solid forms, reach through Spike's abdomen, then  
lift the baby up through his skin, at which point Tara would turn them both  
solid again. Easy. The spell required the blood of one of Spike's ancestors  
(Darla had already agreed to provide), the power of two witches (duh), a  
sarced cricle, and (of all things) an orb of Thesulah.

Willow and Tara cleared everyone to the far corners of the room but Darla  
and Dru, who were permitted to sit in the circle for Spike (on the grounds  
that he was leaning half into both of their laps and might come out of his  
trance if they moved), and began sprinkling salt, calling the quarters and  
lighting candles in a near-perfect ring around the vampiric trio.

The group watched wordlessly as Tara anointed Willow's forehead and spoke  
over her in Latin. The redhead then waved her hands over herself, starting  
at her face and finishing at her feet. She spoke a second brief Latin  
encantation, and before their very eyes, became slightly transparent.

Willow ignored the group's collective gasp and made her way over to Spike,  
slowly sinking to her knees beside his prone form. She ignored another  
collective gasp and Cordelia's "Ew!" as her hands disappeared beneath the  
skin of Spike's abdomen.

Willow had been searching through Spike's middle for only a few minutes  
before her eyes went wide and a cry of "Oh!" escaped her lips. A grin spread  
across her face as her hands seem to clasp on something inside Spike and  
then slowly came back up through the skin...holding a slimy, naked,  
transparent baby girl.

"I did it!" Willow laughed.

Tara smiled and quickly cast the reversal spell over Willow and the baby,  
hoping to get them both solid before Spike and Angel woke up.

The outlines of Willow and the baby's forms briefly trembled, fuzzed and  
faded before solidity returned, the reddish slime on the baby smeared across  
Willow's bare hands and the tiny bundle in her arms immediately opened her  
mouth, waved her arms, kicked her legs and let out a resounding scream.

****

The sound of a distant wailing echoed in Spike's ears, pulling him from the  
hypnotic visions of Angel, naked, doing his best imitation of the Hamster  
Dance. The wailing got louder and louder, and his vision clearer and clearer  
until Spike's eyes finally focused on a squirming, squalling bundle of slime  
clasped between Willow's hands.

His first thought was, "What the hell is that horrible thing?!" His second  
was, "Oh, my God. That's my baby. She's so beautiful! Well...she's a slimy,  
demon-looking screamer, but she's beautiful!" His third was, "Fuckin' 'ell!  
My back is killing me!"

As his soreness finally occurred to him, Spike felt himself jolt and  
realized that he was leaning onto Darla and Dru, who each caught one of his  
arms to steady him.

"Easy, Spike." Darla soothed in a not-quite soothing voice.

"That's..." Spike trailed off in wondering tones, staring googly-eyed at the  
child clasped between Willow's hands. "Can I see her?"

Willow smiled and nodded, and leaned to lay the baby down in Spike's arms,  
before she was cut off by Spike hissing at someone behind her, "Wait, wait,  
wait! Somebody wake up the pouf!"

"Oh, right!" Buffy said, glad to be of some kind of help but not so glad to  
have to remove herself from the game of footsie she and her green-faced  
demon lover had been playing behind the couch.

She quickly moved to the other end of the sofa, grasped ahold of Angel's  
shoulder and gently shook him. "Angel, honey...wake up."

The enormous brooder didn't stir.

Buffy shook him harder. "Angel!"

Nothing. Okay, he'd asked for it...

Buffy drew back her fist and slugged the black-clad hunk of a night thing  
and knocked him feet-over-head on his ass on the floor, not only waking him  
up but scaring the hell out of everyone in the room.

"What? Huh? What?" Angel asked in rapid succession, blinking blearily and  
then reaching up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "What is that?"

"Your daughter." Cordelia told him in a gentle, very un-Cordelia-like tone.

All of the sleepiness instantly vanished from Angel's face at her words, and  
he looked over to see where Spike, Darla, Drusilla and Willow were crowded  
around a squalling, naked bundle of wildly squirming slime.

Angel slowly crawled over, his eyes wide with amazement as Darla moved out  
of the way to let him take her place supporting Spike's back.

Willow smiled and finally lay the child down in Spike's arms, then backed  
away and quietly set about helping Tara close the quarters and banish the  
circle.

"We have a baby." Spike said softly to Angel as the little girl quieted down  
in his arms and made curious, cooing noises, looking up at her parents with  
enormous gray eyes.

"I see that." Angel replied, just as softly, as he held out a finger for the  
little girl to grasp. She wrapped her small fist around it in a death grip,  
surprising her father that anything that small could be so strong. "What'll  
we call her?"

"Sid Vicious the second." Spike said without hesitation, bemaing with pride  
as his little girl kicked her feet.

"Um...it's a girl, Spike." Angel muttered uncomfortably.

"And...?" The blond one asked.

"How about Syndia?" Angel suggested, trying to feminize the famous  
murderer/Sex Pistol's moniker.

"Oh, no, you don't." Buffy jumped in. "I know what it can do to a kid if  
they go through life with a dumb name. Make it 'Cynthia'."

"How the hell do you get 'Sid' out of that?" Spike snapped irritably. "No  
way, it's my baby, and I'm naming her."

Pandemonium.

"Now, just a minute..."

"...Sid's not a girl's name! You can't call her that!"

"You can't name a child after a murderer, let alone a Sex Pistol!"

"*Your* baby? Last I checked, it was *our* baby..."

"Sod off!"

"I rather liked the Sex Pistols."

"Who asked you?"

"Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

Spike and Angel's daughter immediately decided that she was hungry and that  
she didn't like the noises they all were making. Unfortunately for them, the  
only words she had with which to express that were loud, unadulterated  
wails.

Which she used.

"There, you see what you did? Now she's crying!" Spike snapped at the crowd.

"Shouldn't you feed her or something?" Darla asked.

As the horrible realization came over them, Spike and Angel quickly  
exchanged desperate looks.

"Don't look at me, mate; yours are bigger than mine."

"Yeah, but you gave birth to her!"

Luckily, however, before another argument could erupt, Tara shyly presented  
them with a warm bottle of formula.

"I thought you might forget." She said by way of explanation. "I got it  
while we were out getting things for the spell."

"Thanks, Tara." Angel said, sounding genuinely grateful as he took the  
bottle from her and handed it to Spike, who managed to work it into the  
baby's mouth, immediately silencing her screams.

"So, seriously; what are we going to call her?" Angel asked after a few  
minutes of listening to his daughter's contented sucking.

"How about Sidney?" Giles piped in before any arguments could start.

"I like that." Spike said, looking down at the baby and gently stroking the  
top of her head.

No one in the room had any argument....particularly not Buffy or the Host,  
who were both silently cheering over the use of his name.

+++++

It was around eleven the next night before the crowd of people in the hotel  
finally dissipated.

Around eight o'clock in the morning, Xander trudged down the stairs, poured  
himself a bowl of cereal and left as soon as he finished.

He returned an hour later looking sheepish, realizing that he'd forgotten  
Anya in the closet.

It was about three in the afternoon that Lindsey decided he had to leave the  
comfort of Gunn's arms for the irritations of work and office, and slipped  
out the door.

"Tell him I'll see him on Friday." Lindsey told them before he left.

Wesley and Giles both decided to go out and celebrate the birth eighteenth  
century-style (meaning a trip to the pub) around five o'clock, and never  
returned.

Cordelia left to get some sleep a short while after Giles and Wesley's  
departure, and ended up having to make six trips to and from her car because  
there were items for the baby that she had purchased during their  
spell-shopping that had never been brought in.

Since Caritas opens at seven o'clock, the Host and Buffy had to say their  
goodbyes, and gross everyone out with one last public kiss before they went  
on to the club.

Gunn went out on a partol at around eight, and Darla and Dru decided to go  
home at nine.

Finally, the only ones remaining were Willow, Tara and the new parents.

"She's really beautiful, you guys." Tara said, lying on her stomach on the  
bed beside Spike and inspecting the (for now) quiet baby.

"She's got my cheekbones." Spike noted happily.

"I hope not." Angel muttered.

Willow smiled over at the little family. "We want one of our own so  
much...you two were really lucky."

"I guess so, but it would've been much nicer if we'd had a little more  
time to plan." Angel replied.

"Yeah. 'By accident' isn't always the best way to do it." Spike added.

"We know." Willow said, reaching over to gently hold Tara's hand, stroking  
over the back of it with her thumb. "That's why we've planned pretty  
carefully for ours." The two girls exchanged a secretive grin.

Angel and Spike exchanged looks and nearly jumped out of their skin.

"'Planned'?" Angel asked.

"'Ours'?" was Spike's confused contribution.

"Are you two...?" Angel started to ask.

Willow grinned. "Yep."

"Oh, my God! That's...that's great!" Angel enthused.

"Mazel Tov." Spike added with a smile.

"Yeah, we found a spell for two girls to have a baby together without the  
help of unnecessarily expensive insemination and sperm donation. We're  
almost two months along." Willow looked like she'd been bursting to tell  
someone.

"Which of you..." Spike started to ask.

"Me." Tara replied, giving both vampires kind of a shy little wave.

"I'm so happy for you guys." Angel told them. "That's really great."

"We wanted you two to be the first to know, since you've had one and all."  
Willow said, beaming with pride and happiness.

"We're moving to L.A next month." Tara added. "We think it'd be cool for our  
kids to grow up together."

"Bloody awesome." Spike said. And he meant it.

Angel, on the other hand, had decided to keep his opinion to himself. He was  
already having visions of a pair of pint-sized mischief makers causing havoc  
around the hotel, and he didn't want to upset Willow, Tara or Spike.

He wondered if his insurance would cover the damages...

++++

Epilogue- 17 years later

Sidney leaned against the lamp post outside Anne's shelter. The night  
was dark and misty. She felt good, cool and sort of dangerous. Like a spy or  
a secret agent. Her long brown hair cascaded down the back of her long black  
duster that her fathers had given her for her fifteenth birthday. Her fine,  
upturned nose and sparkling blue eyes were enough to complete the scene. She  
was the finest bit of cool this side of the Boardwalk.

"Sid..." whined a nasal voice. "Why are we here again?"

"Shut up, Ralph." She snarled at the younger boy.

He smiled up at her adoringly. "You can't say that to me! We're dating!"

She made fake vomiting noises. Half the time Ralph was the most  
delicate-looking male with fine blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes. The  
other half, he was green-skinned with horns and red eyes, and she wasn't  
sure which she was less attracted to.

"We're only dating until you get up the guts to tell your 'rents that  
you're gay." She reminded him.

He shrugged. "Soon. Anyway, what are we doing?"

"I told you already, you miserable maggot, we're going to get Lindsey  
and Gunn back together."

"Why are they fighting again?"

Sid paused. She actually wasn't sure. Lindsey and Gunn had parted ways  
after she was born, mostly because Gunn told Lindsey he never wanted to see  
him again. Lindsey had become a pro-bono lawyer and even visited with Sid  
during her childhood. Once she was old enough, she pieced together the whole  
story of why Uncle Lindsey was so sad all the time. Finally, she and her  
favorite Aunt, Cordelia, set them up again and they'd been happy ever since.  
That was eight years ago. Now, they were fighting again and Sid knew that  
they needed to fix it.

"They're fighting because they're morons." Sid said finally. "You'd  
think two people who loved each other would be nicer to each other."

"Coming from the girl who hides under the bed when her parents have a  
fight."

"Shut up." Sid shot back automatically.

"What have we here?" From the black materlized three huge thug vampires.

"Lookie, lookie, it's Angelus' girl... What a surprise."

"Oh, shit." She muttered.

"Don't say shit." Ralph reprimanded. She elbowed him.

"Come on, little girl, let's have some fun."

They moved in around her and she felt the hair on the back of her neck  
raise. She counted out to three.

"Now, Ralph!"

The little half-demon pushed the greener side forward and head butted one  
guy with his adolescent horns and was picked up and tossed for his trouble.  
Sid kicked out and struck another man in the balls. He went down like a sack  
of potatoes. The two standing ones came towards her with malicious intent  
and Sid prepared for an all out attack when a sudden light flared and the  
two men crumpled to dust.

"Thought you could you use a little help." A silhoutte stood just out  
of the lamp's light.

"Aiden!" She shrieked and ran up to him. He caught her in his arms and  
twirled her a little before bringing her down for a romance novel kiss.

"Ewwwww. Straight people." Ralph heckled. Laughing, Aiden set her down.

Sid just admired her boyfriend for a minute. He was tall and lean and his  
flaming red hair was almost as long as hers. He had mostly feminine looks,  
owing to his genes coming from two women, but he had muscled up nicely over  
the years. The magic helped, too.

"So what am I doing here?"

"That's what I'd like to know."

Three guilty teenagers stared up at the doorway. Lindsey stared down at  
them.

"Uhhhh. We were here to see you?" Sid asked hopefully. She used Pout #32  
that her Dad had promised would work.

"I've known Spike for a long time, Sid. That ain't working. Though I must  
admit, it's cuter on you."

Aiden smiled a little and backed away. Officialy, they weren't a couple. Sid  
claimed that she was dating Ralph, thereby helping out the half-demon and  
covering her own ass from her fathers, who would probably have Aiden for  
lunch if he hurt a hair on her head.

"Can we come in?" She pleaded.

"You might as well."

They all tumbled in and eventually, got settled in the small office  
Lindsey worked out of now. The three teenagers were given hot chocolate and  
cookies.

"So why are you here?" Lindsey asked, sitting on his desk.

"We...uh... we wanted to...uh... askyouwhyyouandUncleGunnbrokeup." Sid  
stumbled out.

Lindsey looked at her a little strangely before standing back up and  
reaching for the phone. "Maybe I should call Angel and tell him you're  
here." Lindsey suggested.

"No, it's the truth Uncle Lins!" Ralph jumped in. Sid gave him a  
grateful look, since everyone knew that Ralph didn't lie.

"So, why did you come in the middle of the night to ask me about...that."

"Because we're worried that you guys will split again for a long time and  
you'll both be sad." Ralph siad, continuing his good flow. "It was really  
awful when yo weren't togehter and when you are it was really nice."

"We can't always get what we want, Ralph." Lindsey said with a sigh.

"Oh, please, Unc, you know us better then that. Just tell us what  
happened? Maybe we can fix it!" Sid pleaded. Thanks to Angel, her sense of  
honor and stubborness were strong and she knew that she needed all her  
Uncles and Aunts toghether and happy.

"You can't fix what ain't broken."

As if choregraphed, four heads turned to the door. Gunn stood in the  
doorframe uncomfortably.

"I thought I told you not to come here anymore." Lindsey growled,  
clenching and unclenching his good hand.

"We had a fight, Lins. Not a war."

They stared at each other a while. Sid gave a little cough. They both  
turned to her.

"Eep." She muttered.

"Gunn, outside. Now." Lindsey demanded.

They went out and through the the window they could see the two of them  
fighting and agruing. Eventually, the screaming seemed to calm down and  
they were just talking. Lindsey kept shaking his head and Gunn kept sighing.  
Finally, they stopped moving at all and Sid plastered herself to the door to  
listen.

"Gunn said he was sorry for calling Lindsey 'reformed for sex'! And  
Lindsey.... accepts and apoligizes for overreacting! Yes!" She pumped her  
arm and the other two men shrugged, assuming that they had done something  
right. Aiden wondered if that meant he got something extra before they went  
home tonight...

Later, when the three teens tumbled out of the office with strict  
instructions to go right to the Hyperion since it was too late for Aiden and  
Ralph to catch a safe ride, Lindsey leaned into Gunn's arms.

"They're so cute. They think they got us back together."

Gunn dropped a kiss ont Lindsey's forehead. "Who do you think told me to  
stop sulking and 'get my ass over here to apoligize'?"

Lindsey groaned. "Sid, most likely. The other two seem to follow her  
wherever she leads."

"Do you blame them? She has all the leadership of Angel and all  
the persuasiveness of Spike, rolled together with good intentions. The  
girl's a nightmare."

"Do Willow and Tara know their little boy is with Vampire Gyrl?"

"Probably. The real question is, do Angel and Spike know?"

Lindsey laughed. "Maybe not. But, I'm not going to tell them."

"Coward." Gunn accused.

"Yep. I'd rather fight off twenty mildly pissed-off Fyral demons than see  
what happens to the messanger in that case."

"So what's up with Ralph then?"

"I think he's like us."

"Clinaclly insane?"

That's when Lindsey smacked Gunn in the arm which degenerated into a  
mock-fight which degenerated to really strange stains on Lindsey's carpet.

++++

"Hey, Dad! Hey, Daddy! The boys are here! I'll put them in the guest rooms  
and then I'm going to sleep!"

Spike and Angel had been sitting in the kitchen when Sid whirled in, too  
quickly for them to catch more than a glance at her. She could be faster  
than a normal human, but this just seemed to be normal teenage exubrancy.

Parental feelers flared up.

"How was the movie, luv?" Spike asked, sipping from his mug.

"It was great! Very sappy though. You'd hate it."

Spike lifted an eyebrow, tag-teaming Angel into it.

"Maybe I should see it. What was it called again?"

"Uhhh... Strangers in the Daylight. It was a one night only thing!" She  
called from the coat closest.

Before they could continue, two teenage boys plowed into the kitchen,  
talking over each other.

"Hey, Uncle Spike, Uncle Angel. We had a really nice time but it was too  
late so we came back to sleep here. Mind if I call my Mom?"

"Sorry to crash here another night, Uncs, but Dad freaks if I take the  
subway after midnight. I'll just give the 'rents a ring."

Spike and Angel, from years of practice, just nodded.

"Your rooms are open, you can use the phone." Angel answered. The blonde and  
the redhead skittered away.

"I wish Buffy would teach Ralph how to defend himself already." Spike  
grumbled. "That boy's a walking catastrophe. Winds up staying here whenever  
he's out past eight."

"Well, it's hard for her. She doesn't want him to be like her." Angel  
justified.

"Yeah, well, he needs to fend for himself. And that green toff he calls Dad  
wouldn't know which end of a sword to hold!"

Angel rolled his eyes. "You're just mad because Ralph hangs over Sid."

"Maybe." Spike admitted. "He's so strange and she acts like she likes him  
half the time. I don't want the Host as an in-law! Or Buffy!" He added with  
a shudder.

"I don't think you have to worry about that." Angel smiled a little at  
his blonde partner. "She's not dating Ralph."

"Angel, are you ill? They've been together for a year. They announced it and  
everything."

"But, she never smells like him when they come home from a date. In fact,  
she usually doesn't smell like anything. Almost like she uses a  
antibacterial spray to erase smells. And I catch her and Aiden exchanging  
looks sometimes..."

"You've lost your poofy little mind. Aiden's her best freind, she used to  
hit him over the head with her Little Tyke club. No way in 'ell." Spike  
scoffed.

"Would you care to make a wager on that?" Angel smiled slightly.

"Depends, what's the prize?"

"If I'm right, you have to repaint Sid's room. The black is chipping to  
show the pink again and I know she's going to ask any day now."

"If I'm right...' Spiek smiled wickedly. "...you bottom for a month."

Angel just smiled and stuck out his hand. Spike shook him on it. Angel rose.

"Where are you going?"

"Just follow me and keep quiet."

Now sure that Angel had lost his mind, Spike trailed his lover through  
their hotel. What once had seemed a huge exspanse of rooms was now humbled  
by continuous use of nearly two floors worth of rooms. Another floor housed  
victims they saved and had yet to make their own ways. Empty right now, but  
there were times when it was filled to the brim.

They made their way past Sid's room, their room and finally to the room  
that Willow and Tara were known to frequent when they came to visit.

Quietly, Angel eased open the door and flicked on the lights.

"Ahem." He cleared his throat. Two startled teens looked up, fear carved  
into their faces. Sid had changed into flannel pajama bottoms and a long  
black t-shirt which in a previous incarnation had been Spike's. Pinned below  
her was Aiden, who wore only a pair of jeans, his red hair fanned out behind  
him.

Spike growled on a decible so low, a glass lamp shattered. Angel rolled  
his eyes and pushed his blonde partner out of the room.

"Sorry, kids. Don't stay up too late."

The door closed behind him and he could hear relieved voices exchanging "I  
was so scared, I..." And then the kissing noises started again. Angel  
shrugged. At her age, he'd been having every female in town. He was just  
glad she was monogamous and as far as he could tell, still a virigin.

"I'm going to kill him." Spike managed to say. Angel led his paralyzed  
with anger lover away from the kids and back to their own room.

"The buckets of paint are downstairs." Angel mused. "I think we need new  
brushes."

"Forget the paint job! My little girl's being molested!"

"Hardly, Spike. She was on top, remember?"

"She is not having sex! Not now, not ever!" Spike informed his mate. "Maybe  
I can get a chastity belt or something."

Angel laughed and drew Spike into his arms. "They grow up so fast."

"You sound like a fucking advertisment, peaches."

"Yeah, yeah. I know."

+++++

"I can't belive we got off so easy." Aiden muttered. Sid shrugged and  
leaned down.

"They'll think of some torture. Meanwhile, where were we?"

They started to kiss again, when someone groaned.

Someone who wasn't them.

Sid sat up with her eyes wide. They wouldn't! Another moan. They were!  
Bastards!

"What is that?" Aiden asked, looking up with lust-addled green eyes.

"The worst, grossest and most profoundly disturbing sound in the whole  
world." She said with a shudder. "And the best way to punish me since my  
room's right next door."

"What are you talking about?"

A groan filled the air and Sid began to look nauseaous.

"That's my parents.... doing it."

"Ewww!!!!"

~fin!~


End file.
